Mountains of Mole Hills
So it was that I let go of the notion of needing my car to travel. My Austin friends decided to orchestrate an Equinox ceremony with their friends in Fayetteville, AR and invited me to join. The folks in Fayetteville were gracious enough to offer beds. We arrived in Fayetteville at midnight to a dark house. After knocking on the door and wandering around in the dark for a while the surprised friend of my friend greeted us. While his wife (who was away on business) knew we were coming the communication had broken down and he was unaware he would be receiving guests in the middle of the night. Since the guest room was not set up we were offered and took the rooms of the children who were traveling with their mother.
I woke up the next morning having had a very poor nights sleep. Being sensitive, I have always had difficulty sleeping, and the combination of being an unexpected guest, the messy children’s room, and my fear that I was no longer free made for a perfect storm to disturb my sleep. I wanted this method of travel to work, I wanted to be able to sleep anywhere, and I wanted to be at ease with the messy children’s rooms or the unexpectedness of our visit. I knew the reality was we were safe, we were with friends, and we had a roof to sleep under. Why then could I not simply be grateful and sleep undisturbed. But the truth was that I was disturbed; my soul was screaming,
“Why do I not have the best?” “Why are people not waiting and elated to be hosting me?” “Why is not the best room in the house prepared and waiting?”
Once these questions were asked the voices of my shame gremlins spoke up,
“Who do you think you are to deserve such royal treatment?” they said “You have no fame, no money, no worth. Why should you receive such service?” ” You are a terrible person for burdening and expecting so much from even your closest friend?”
These shame gremlin voices are very familiar to me particularly around this issue. I have always been very discerning, I have always known exactly what I want. As a child I was called picky and my parents often told me to stop whining. So I did and I lowered my expectations and I only ever asked for about half of what I actually wanted.
As I have grown and studied healthy relationships and manifestation techniques I learned -knowing what I want and asking for it is a very important skill that many people don’t have.- If I do not know what I want I am directionless and go nowhere; it is the manifestation technique of gratitude without the manifestation technique of will and sight.
To truly manifest what I desire It is imperative I hold my vision of what I desire and the gratitude for what I already have at once.
My sleep was disturbed because my soul knows I do, in fact, deserve to be royalty and treated as such, (we all do.) But I forgot that getting to this point is a beautiful messy process that is just as important as receiving the royal treatment I deserve. The path to getting what I want allows me to appreciate the reception of my desires that much more. Like the beautifully messy room of a child growing I am in the beautifully messy learning process of manifesting my full desires.
By processing all my feelings with my friend I came to a place of gratitude and acceptance of where I was and, even better, I feel so grateful to have let go of a life time of shame I carried for “wanting too much.” I deeply know that my “pickiness”, my desires, my discernments are a gift that will allow me to access a full vibrant and full filling life. I would not change this experience for the world. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Aho!