Safe, Free, and Whole
As a nomad I had converted the back of my little Toyota Matrix, Midnight into my home and left Austin May 15 I have been traveling ever since; almost 25k mi! Now, poor little Midnight with 247K mi and in need of 3 major repairs needs more care than I am able to give her. Furthermore, despite all my marketing efforts, despite the masterfulness of my work, despite knowing my work is my calling from God, and an upsurge of clients in January, I once again have almost no clients. With no home, no work and no vehicle one might think I am destitute. This is, however, not the case.Through my fear I am choosing to trust that I am safe, free and whole.
I am staying in a friends spare bedroom. This friend didn’t give me a place to stay because I needed one but because he genuinely enjoys my company and desire me to be around. When leaving with the intent to live elsewhere and then only a week latter letting him know I would be returning, his response was “woot, woot!” Like the celebrity that I am becoming he is celebrating my presence in his life.
I have long ago learned I receive work only when it is fitting and right for me to receive work. I used to have severe health problems that caused me to become ill very rapidly. This became a serious problem at my past job as a ghost tour guide when I would suddenly become ill and need someone to cover my tour last minute. An interesting development due to this circumstance observed by both myself and my boss is: whenever I felt ill on a tour day many or all tour attendees cancelled, decreasing the size of the tour or canceling it entirely. This pattern has continued into my career as a Somatic Soul Worker; If I feel ill or if it is better that I play rather than work my clients cancel. I believe God/my soul lays out my schedule for me with a greater purpose in mind. That despite the short term lack of funds the long term results will be a more vibrant, whole and happier self. The growth edge is to stay calm and to trust.
When I rolled into Austin Mid- February I had every intention of selling Midnight and buying a new vehicle to serve as a slightly more spacious and agile home. I spent my first few weeks back in Austin purging all the unnecessary furniture out of my storage unit, living with my friend, and working to acquire a car loan. But when Midnight broke down just as I finished purging the last of my furniture out of my storage unit I began to question whether I actually needed a vehicle.
“What if,” I asked myself “I continue to work and travel and people are simply happy to host me wherever I go?” Cars can be rented, plane, and bus tickets can be bought. “Perhaps,” I thought “I can have the freedom of movement and the independence I desire without a vehicle.”
There are so many times I wonder if I am not, in fact, an insane person having delusion of grandeur and ridiculously optimistic beliefs but then I remember exactly how unhappy and physically sick I became when believed I had to suffer just to survive and how much healthier and happier I am living now with no money, no vehicle, and no home.
I see how much I am growing and learning by choosing not to fight to survive. I see how thru the lack of a home, vehicle, or money God is teaching me that my freedom, independence, and happiness is not reliant upon external sources. I know until I learn to trust I will be prevented from receiving any of these things. After all their is no outside source that can grant me independence, freedom, and happiness. These qualities are within me. At the core of my being I know I would rather die than give up this belief system, because at least it will be a life I am happy to have lived rather than one I suffered through. As the full moon approaches I call into myself the spirit of Artemis; Goddess of the moon and the ultimate free and independent woman. Aho!