April 16, 2021

An Unsent Letter to my Almost Soul Mate.

It’s been months since it all happened; the way we would have never imagined it to be.

Sometimes on starry, quiet nights on the rooftop or while watching the sunset, I have flashbacks of our happy times. You loved my laughter, my voice, and the way I smiled. In fact, you liked every atom of me. We talked until dawn, defying the concept of long distance.

Life was easy, and we were so happy.

I can’t stop my mind from wandering back to that time when we first met. That moment is still so fresh in my memory when we first saw each other and hugged so tightly. Our souls collided that day. We clicked.

When two people are soul mates, they create a secret, magical world of stars and galaxies, the sun and the moon.

Our inner lights produced refraction and our wavelengths matched, creating a spectrum; rainbows appeared, stars twinkled brighter, and all magic began to make sense to me.

Never had I felt this way for anyone before, and at that moment, I knew that love is indeed a magical feeling, with a dash of chemical reaction in the body. I knew that I’d met my soul mate: my person, my muse, my shooting star, my favorite song. Our souls rejoiced in finding their other halves.

We were destined to meet and fall for each other but also destined to fall apart.

Situations were stacked and forces were made. Constraints and conditions were established and a decision was to be made. You abandoned me without warning and said goodbye without hesitation, while I still stayed in hope that you’d return and we’d fight the storms together and change the direction of the ship that we chose to sail in together.

I had no choice but to say a contrived goodbye.

Saying goodbye to you also meant saying goodbye to your pictures, your voice, the smell of your cologne, your smile (that lifted up my mood), your vibe, your presence, and every atom of you.

How do I say goodbye to the memory of you?

You shut me out of your life without a pinch of remorse, and I still wonder how easy it was for you to let go of me. You promised to stay until death does us part.

I have done all I can in my capacity to move on and away from you. I have deleted your pictures, shut you out from social media, and stopped visiting the restaurant where we first met. I’ve stopped thinking about all the plans we made, stopped dreaming of a life together, and stopped checking flights to the places we said we’d travel together.

I tried throwing away the soft, black, and grey teddy bear—the first gift you gave me—but I just couldn’t. It is the last piece of you I have, and no matter how hard I try to throw it away, my heart won’t let me do it. In your absence, that bear has become my comfort. It reminds me of the home that I found in you.

I am sad, defeated, angry, jealous, and it kills me when I imagine you with someone with who you share your days. Someone who captivates you.

Someone who could be your muse, your person, your best friend, your love. Someone who increases the dopamine in your brain, but someone who couldn’t possibly be the type of lover that I was. She probably wouldn’t tolerate your inquisitiveness or be able to be patient with you and guide you when you’re overthinking everything. She wouldn’t cross oceans and galaxies to see the smile on your face and trade anything to please you.

I remember how you flirted in the most amusing ways, striking those guitar chords and singing to lighten the mood while I was busy working. A wave of pain shackles my heart and my soul weeps until I am able to divert my attention toward something mindless.

Everyone seems to be surprised because we only spent few months together, and how can one be so affected with breaking off a relation of such short duration. How do I tell everyone that you were my soul mate?

The heart knows when it clicks and the length of time has no role to play in it. Even though I try hard to believe that we weren’t soul mates, because soul mates are meant to be together, I cannot forget the feeling and the connection I felt when I met you.

It was a spark, a click. We connected, but our situations disconnected us. But maybe this is how sometimes it is with love and soulmates, no?

Not all are meant to be together, because sometimes the universe fears the alignment of two souls, because the fire of love and energy, the union of these two souls can turn the universe into ashes, and humanity is not yet ready for this kind of fierce, passionate, and wild love.

I miss you.

I miss waking up to your texts. I miss accompanying you on calls and video calls while you did your grocery shopping, and I miss discussing with you my goals, my dreams, my wildest fantasies, and my unreasonable rants. I miss the way you checked me out, I miss your husky voice, I miss the way you hugged me tight, I miss your hair, your lips, your smell, your obsession for the color blue, and your love for coffee, travel, and fitness.

I miss how you made me laugh, and I miss the way you always pushed me to be the best version of myself. I miss the way your face darted when you were nervous before making a big decision, and I miss the way you let me lean on you when I felt low.

You were the perfect piece of the incomplete puzzle that I was. You were the fruit of my patience and worth all the years of waiting for a partner. I was addicted to every bit of you, and deep down somewhere, we always had this uncertain fear and anxiety that maybe the universe will try to tear us apart.

You left and a void has been created inside me. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be again able to love someone so deeply and passionately and if I will ever click and connect the way I did with you.

I feel dried up from the inside. When you left, you took all the love I had in me.

To be honest, a part of me is thankful that it didn’t work out between us because I want someone who is willing to fight for me, who is willing to work things out, and not give up in tough times.

I want someone who has the courage to sail through the storms, who has the will to overcome challenges to keep the relationship working. I need someone who is brave enough to love me after awakening the love in me.

To be honest, I would never have quit on you, the way you did on me. Oh, how I wished I’d never met you because it is difficult to forget you.

But I try each day to grow stronger to overcome this loss of love. I am focusing on myself, on being more kind, and more empathetic. I am thankful to you for breaking me and now the only option I have is to rebuild myself.

Only my talent, creativity, and career (my soul, mind, and body) will stay with me until the end, and I will take care of myself and live a happy life. I have recently reignited my passion for writing as a means to let it all out. When we were together, you pushed and motivated me to do my best and supported my career.

Having my heart broken reminded me of the importance of self-love and self-care.

You are still my person, and a part of my heart still wishes for you to come back. But I am not so sure that I would be able to put you above self-love and self-respect now.

I will lick this wound until I die, and the time I spent with you will always be one of the wildest, happiest, and most beautiful moments of my life. In one single heartbeat, I would trade anything to go back to that time with you and stay with you there forever.

This letter is one I will never send you, but secretly wish that it reaches you and you read it someday.

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