April 25, 2021

How my Divorce turned into a Journey of Feeling Alive.

After my divorce, I’m feeling more alive than I felt for years.

Truth be told, although I have been twice married, and I don’t think I have ever been in a relationship that was serene, joyful, and fulfilling.

It was a mixture of bittersweet feelings. Perhaps created by the prospect of a romantic relationship, which only came with lots of heartaches before I was able to settle into a peaceful, serene life.

I always choose men by the intensity of physical attraction, spiritual ecstasy, and romance. I never really looked at any other areas, such as compatibility, spiritual views, moral values, and social standing. Once my heart was pumping harder at the thought of them, I was all in.

Then, I read an article on dispelling drama that changed my perspective:

“Drama, however disastrous, can be exciting and stimulating. But the thrill of pandemonium eventually begins to frustrate the soul and drain the energy of all who embrace it. To halt this process, we must understand the root of our drama addiction, be aware of our reactions, and be willing to accept that a serene, joyful life need not be a boring one.”

The inevitable chaos soon followed, but I believe myself to be in love, and love is love—the most important thing. I thought we’re not supposed to question it but surrender to its presence as to a supreme God.

I’m now learning there’s something called love addiction, and I’m taking a deeper diver into myself to revisit my early experiences of love.

Drama and heartache serve as excitement, prompting my body to manufacture adrenaline and producing a pleasurable surge of energy.

The truth is that in one of my most significant relationships, I felt ignored, not seen, not heard, or valued as a person.

I’m not willing to repeat any of these situations, so my question is, “How do I create a relationship that’s loving, kind, tender, and respectful, but yet exciting and fun?”

I honestly don’t want the drama that comes from being in a relationship and finding a thrill in anxious attachment, avoidant dynamics, or the thrill of infidelity and pandemonium—so, why do I attract this type of relationship? What do I need to work on to transcend this?

After my last relationship ended, I told myself to take at least three months to process this but ended up expanding it to a year.

A sabbatical year to create my own joy and connect with the person inside me I never met. A year of self-care—a year of “me firsts.”

I wanted to try new things and become a person who attracts and manifests from that serene but joyful place. I have been on this journey for many years now, working with a therapist to uncover my authentic self.

About 10 years ago, my therapist suggested that I should start journaling. I haven’t written a single word for a long time. He suggested that I should write a book about my life and my experiences, as he thought there was much wisdom of benefit to others that I had to share.

By following this suggestion, writing and journaling have become a natural process to look deeper into my own being and heal the wounds that caused drama in my life.

I surprised myself when I started writing, as I always felt insecure about using this particular skill. It is safe to say that seeing a therapist was a good decision.

I always loved exercise and for some years played squash at a national level. It was always on my bucket list to sculpt my body into perfect shape, so turning my focus toward transforming my body feels natural to me, as it is my personal desire—not anyone else’s.

I do have a healthy social life with a group of not perfect but inspiring women. I’m leaning into their support during my journey of becoming the person I love.

Before I venture into the world looking for a new love, I will define my boundaries and find out what I’m really looking for.


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