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April 26, 2021

We Need to Learn to be Lovers not Performers.

For years, I have been helping men with performance issues, premature ejaculation, and erection problems.

Something landed for me recently with this work: performance.

That’s how many men view sex.

It’s a performance.

It’s not about pleasure.

Yes, they’ll have an orgasm, whether that’s early, or whether they can control it or not.

But it’s about performing.

And pleasure is far down the list of why men have sex.

A brief digression, I asked quite a few women I’ve been working with about this, and many said that until they learned about pleasure, sex was often because they felt obliged—they needed to or they felt like they should.

Even when they had orgasms, it wasn’t about pleasure.

That’s not saying that orgasms are not pleasurable.

But in the act of sex, which is what the performance is, that’s a few moments of sensation.

And pleasure is something else.

When sex is a performance, it’s always going to be about judgment and comparison.

And in this space, it’s a struggle, a battle with parts of ourselves that we cannot beat.

One day we get it right, we control our energy, have a lasting erection, and it’s amazing.

The next we don’t.

We’ve lost the battle.

It’s mostly an ego battle.

And what we’re battling is ourselves, with a standard of judgment that often has nothing to do with our partners.

And, by the way, the same thing applies to men of all orientations.

Instead of fixing the performance, instead of fighting a losing battle, we need to expand our perspective and shift the way we see sex and the way we see ourselves as sexual beings, as lovers.

And again, the clue is right there.


To be a lover is to live from, in, with, through your heart.

We begin in the body, understanding that our Lingam and Heart are one.

We begin in the body by learning to breathe.

We begin in the body by learning to soften.

We begin in the body.

We begin in the body by connecting with the heart.

We begin in the body by learning to touch.

We begin in the body by learning to be slow, to be slower, to be still.

And from the stillness our natural sexuality can begin to emerge.

I work with a model of patterns.

And most of our sexuality is based on a model of the way we think it should be.

This comes from conditioning, from belief in a largely porn-based model of sex, of male performance.

It’s a fantasy.

Bruce Willis blowing buildings up on the screen is a fantasy. We get that, most of us, I hope.

We’ve never really been given another model of sex. So much of the media focuses on performance, on doing it right, big, hard, long.

There’s no heart; there’s no spirit.

There’s no pleasure.

Performance. Orgasm.

Again, again, again.

We can change the pattern within us.

We can open to allow energy to flow.

We can look at what pleasure really is.

We can dance with our sexuality in all its forms, the fire, the hard, the gentle, the tender, the deep.

We can be magnificent lovers.

Not performers, lovers.

More than anything else, it’s an energy thing.

Your body is an expression of energy.

Sex is an expression of energy.

Your heart is an expression of energy.

The patterning of the body and of the mind is an expression of energy.

We change the energy, we change the pattern.

It’s not a quick fix.

It takes patience.

It takes a commitment to yourself.

Our bodies, our cocks, our sexual energy, our hearts, know how to flow. They know how to express themselves magnificently.

When it’s all about performance and about how it should be, to be blunt, we’re always going to be f*cked—and not in a pleasurable way.

We’re f*cking ourselves through disconnect, through judgment, through trying to be what we’re not.

Performance is empty—there’s no heart, there’s no spirit, there’s no intimacy.

We’re lovers.

And within us is the wisdom that knows that, knows how to express it.

Have a chat with me, I’ll share some of the journey with you.


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