April 20, 2021

Why we Have a Subconscious Need to Spoil the Good Moments.

The moment things seem to turn in my favor, I have this uneasy feeling of contentment and then I, so badly, want to spoil it.

I always succeed in this. But I’m not a crazy guy, as per societal standards—I am stupid, though.

Who would intentionally want to turn the tide against oneself? Let me tell you one thing: it’s not intentional, but subconscious.

We all want things to come easy to us. It’s one of the most common desires of humankind: to sit and enjoy. There are smart workers and hard workers. The former group gets what it wants with the least effort, while the latter group has to work hard to achieve similar results. This subliminal need to create chaos is quite related to this smart/hard worker concept.

The genesis of this desire is in the early experiences from life. If safety, attention, validation, peace, or any such basic human need is not provided, then the person’s psychology is disrupted.

Their brain learns that it must fight or struggle to enjoy the life they desire and even to access any love. Once this behavior is learned by the neural network, it manifests in every aspect of life.

We can say this self-defeating behavior develops early in childhood. When a toddler has to cry at the top of his lungs or throw his toys to get his parent’s attention, then he’s learning to expect love to come with difficulties. What happens next will make the picture quite clear. With the ongoing hardships of life, the young human mind adapts to the difficulties and it becomes the new normal. And then we continue this behavior to the end of our lives unless there’s an intervention.

That is why when we get compliments, proposals, unconditional love, or attention, our brain—being incapable to process this easy flow of goodness—creates barriers by displaying a lack of interest and being ungrateful. We might also start over-performing in life to justify the praise we are getting.

This brings to the surface a poor sense of self-worth.

Our conditioning is such that we reject happiness unless we have poured our blood and sweat to earn it. This behavior simply ruins everything for us.

Say a girl that I meet at a party asks me for a dance and I say, “I’d love to, but don’t you think it’s too early?”—as if she asked me to marry her. Say my boss tells me that he really believes that he can count on me, appreciates all the efforts I put in, and wants to promote me but I say, “Thank you, sir, but no big deal.” This is rejecting the goodness you are being given. This is also a disrespect to the giver.

Sometimes this conditioning shows up as being too independent. We try to do everything on our own because we don’t want to trouble others in any way. Actually, this may be because we think we don’t deserve help—the mindset of low self-worth.

To quit this self-defeating behavior, one must work on it by rewiring the brain. Yes, neuroplasticity is a proven concept that reveals how our brain can learn new responses with new teachings. Professional therapy, positive self-talk, and meditation can bring us a more realistic view of our self-worth.

Everyone on this earth, regardless of their color, physical appearance, or IQ, deserves love and compassion—including me!

We must allow the universe to help us and shower us with love. We must welcome love and goodness with open arms and the belief that we deserve this.

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Sartaj Singh  |  Contribution: 4,225

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