“I just feel really angry right now, and I’m not sure why.”
This is what I said to my husband last night before I went to bed early, frustrated with myself. I had started the day off in an “I can do this” frame of mind. But, at some point, a familiar feeling of overwhelm and low-grade panic began to creep in.
So, I took a break from work. I had a cup of tea. I hugged my children. I went for a run. I had a bath.
Nothing seemed to help. Eventually, I just chalked it down to being tired, meditated, read a bit, and went to sleep.
I had to convince myself to do this in spite of the list of to-dos running through my head. “It’ll be okay. Things can wait until tomorrow,” I reassured my always-looming inner voice of responsibility.
I just can’t seem to shake this weird and generalized irritation, though. And if I’m honest, it’s been here for a lot longer than just a day.
Maybe it’s just my ADHD. I’m constantly annoyed by my own struggle to “keep on top of things.” Even when I feel like I’ve done one thing well there are always at least 10 other things I’ve let slide. Maybe this is just how it is for parents. Most days feel like a scramble just to cope, even when logically, they shouldn’t be.
On the outside, things seem fine, as my husband patiently reminded me this morning: “You have a good job. You have a nice home. Everyone is healthy and safe. You’re doing okay.”
And I believe him. I know it’s true. Somehow, it doesn’t make me feel better. If anything it makes me feel worse because who am I to be feeling sad or mad or…whatever it is exactly.
So, I get on with things. I make myself another cup of tea and I get back to my desk and I tell myself that “I’ve got this.”
Then, while watching a training video, I happen to see this in my sidebar. I take a look, thinking it’ll be a good one to blog and share. I don’t expect the tears that come within a minute. I guess they’re tears of recognition because this describes how I’m feeling, almost to the letter.
It’s quite a relief after feeling like I’m losing my mind a little lately. Maybe I’m not moody or ungrateful or difficult, after all.
Maybe I’m just depressed? Maybe you are, too? Or maybe this is someone you know?