For most of my 20s and early 30s, I allowed the idea of love to guide my heart and my mind.
I found myself falling in love with men who had absolutely zero interest in dating me, let alone finding love in their hearts for me. They were living rent-free in my heart, mind, soul, and every cell in my body.
“Even if I wanted to date you Flick, I am not at a time in my life where I can commit to you.” ~ Dylan, 2016
This is the exact message I would receive time and again, and yet I still managed to spend the next two years pursuing Dylan. This man who loudly and obviously confessed to me that he, in fact, didn’t want to date me—let alone commit his time and energy to me; except of course when I gave myself to him in all the naked goodness of a girl who was using sex to try and change his already made up mind! Hell hath no fury like a woman, yet even God cannot change a man’s mind when it is made.
Dylan is just one example of many men who made it clear to me that they were not available to commit to me in the emotional, physical, spiritual, intimate capacity that I so craved. So of course, my mind spiraled to the: what the f*ck is wrong with me? Paradigm.
I was kept fueled by the once-a-month text after midnight on a Saturday to ask what I was doing at that moment—it usually went along the lines of:
Hey, are you naked?
Seeing his name flash on my phone, provided enough of an adrenaline surge to light Melbourne city for an entire evening.
Until, of course, the sun rose, and I found myself being shipped off in an Uber back to my own bed, alone. God forbid the sun see what went on whilst the moon was in the sky.
These minuscule bread crumbs, the existence of the Dylan, the tiny amount of interest—it’s what kept me going. It determined my self-worth, how successful I was feeling in my career, some days (I am ashamed to admit) it determined if I felt like speaking to my friends and family.
After years of self-sabotaging and completely denying my desire for a deeply connected, intimate relationship, my heart finally burst into a million pieces on the floor in front of me, and I knew deep within me that it was time to find my way and rise from the flames of the unavailable man inspired fire.
It was because of this catastrophic heartbreak that things started to shift for me.
Here is what I did to use the experience of past relationships to create the life I truly love:
The Power of Community
The absence of lust can be a terrifying time. We suddenly have all this mind space that is not being occupied by someone who has no interest in us or in our well-being.
Cultivating a super supportive community of people was fundamental to creating the life I truly desire. Through my community, I was able to see and understand for the first time the patterns and behaviours that I was exhibiting in relationships. At times, this was deeply uncomfortable but was the key to knowing how to create love and happiness through my own heart and body.
By cultivating a supportive community, I found ways to fill my time with activities I loved. This filled the mind void left over by the loveless relationships, and I found myself cultivating a deeper connection with myself.
The best community is one that meets you where you are at to provide you the support in navigating the path of where you are and guiding you to where you see yourself wanting to be.
In my experience, I found it imperative to choose people who are supportive, empathetic, honest, and authentic. A community that is willing to keep you accountable.
I have learned that I require professional support to keep me accountable and provide a safe space to truly open my heart and soul to my deepest desires. I found this through energetic healing in the epically powerful practice of kinesiology.
By creating a community that works to support you, you will start making the small steps toward knowing what you want to create and experience the life and love you truly desire.
Accepting What I Want
For many, many years, I put the wants and needs of men before my own. I would mother them, parent them, befriend them, give my body and heart to them, and, worse of all, my mind space.
When I began to see how self-defeating this behaviour had become, I began to recognize the anguish and self-hate I was creating all on my own in each and every day. What I began to learn about myself was that I truly desired a love that was deeply connected and deeply intimate. Knowing this and accepting it were two different processes!
As a young girl, I was led to believe that girls should behave a certain way, think a certain way, and want a certain way. I personally was never led to believe that my heart’s desire was something to be proud of or to accept.
However, once I identified what I wanted, and accepted these wants, I was able to weed out the red flags and get excited about the dates who were in it for the same end game. Hint: the ones who wanted to get naked once a month after midnight on a Saturday were not after the same end game. A tough lesson, but the most important I ever did learn.
Now that I have accepted what I truly want, all areas of my life have improved.
I have a deep understanding of my values and the nonnegotiables that come with them. This extends to my choice of career and company I will or won’t work for, it includes who I will connect with in my non-intimate relationships, and if I decide if I want that extra piece of chocolate.
Because with values, comes self-love. Self-love is the foundation of a healthy, committed intimate love. If only we were taught that one in grade five!
I have a crystal clear vision of the relationship I desire, making it easy to say no thanks to anything that doesn’t align with that.
I can confidently say I like who I am and I like the behaviours I exhibit when dating—confident, sexy, flirty, womanly, and feminine. All of these cultivated from knowing my values and having a heart overflowing with self-love.
Accepting what I want has been the foundational footprint on the path I navigate today.
Getting Over my Fear of Rejection
Phew! This. Was. Hard.
I am not entirely sure the fear of rejection is something that will ever truly leave me. My inner child was running the show for so long, and I feel she still holds a terrified piece within her heart that a man will reject her despite all of her beautiful talents and traits.
Rejection sucks. It hurts, it tastes bad, and it feels nasty.
But there is a way to get over your fear. Through the power of your community and accepting what you want, you can face your fears of rejection head-on and get back out into the dating world.
If you truly desire a healthy, committed, intimate love, you need to get out into the dating world. Unfortunately, Nanna was onto something when she harping about “the man won’t simply knock on your door one night.”
I have learned, with awareness and a heart full of self-love, you can and you will take the steps to get you to a place where you don’t need to fear rejection.
I have a beautiful ritual that includes candles, oils, slow music, and soft lighting. By cultivating a ritual that calls in self-love, I have found dating so much more enjoyable. I no longer crave the lust and the late-night texting.
If a man has to compete with your self-love, he will be yours for an eternity for he will witness the powerful, magnetic, lovable being you truly are.
Get out there, girl, and have some fun with the dating world. You have nothing to fear for you are worthy and lovable.
Harnessing the energy of a past relationship can be scary and confronting. But it is absolutely necessary in ensuring we are creating the life and love we truly desire.
Rather than turning our back on our past loves, we must face them directly in our heart space and decide to take back our power.
By doing this, we naturally feel lighter and more confident; we create more space in our minds, we radiate our authentic sexiness, and we drop into our feminine power.
This way of being will attract the soul mate who has been waiting for our rise to existence in a life that is in abundance of love and happiness.
So much love to you in this wild ride we call life.