May 10, 2021

How we Lose Ourselves in Looking for the Perfect Partner & What to do Instead.

A vibrator can never caress me, and with warm breath, whisper to my ear how fantastic this feels.

I will just go ahead and say it: I am not searching for a happy life on my own.

I don’t care if this makes me sound desperate, spinster-like, crazy, or full of traumas that lead to a fear of being abandoned—I know where I stand and why.

Some of the best moments for my heart had been sharing life with a partner. Resting my head on his smooth chest while his fingers softly caress my neck, drawing invisible lines on my naked shoulders.

In the kitchen, him making spaghetti bolognese, me sitting on the gray granite-like countertop, and us talking about future plans—precious moments.

After two marriages and countless breakups, I ask myself, “Was I too harsh, too unrealistic? Why does the cycle keep repeating? Would I ever learn to connect with a man?”

If they are so important, why am I so easy to judge he is not the one?

This kind of thinking causes me to date the next one, and the next one, and the next one, and hopefully, if lucky, the almost last one.

I feel I am my best self now. I am learning to accept myself, and I like who I am, but when it comes to men, my heart feels heavy and honestly sad. I don’t think I can genuinely connect without evaluating and letting go of old misconceptions I have about men.

When I am alone, I am at peace, I know me, but the moment I start seeing someone, I don’t even know how to be myself; I change.

I believe this change is connected to judgemental perceptions of men:

>> We can hold such high expectations of men—some we don’t even offer ourselves.

>> We want balance, yet we want to be chosen over everything else.

>> We want him to work hard for his dreams and to have financial stability, but also for him to be there for us all the time.

>> We expect him to be strong, to make us feel safe and protected.

Can we try to understand they also have traumas, fears, and issues that need healing, as much as ours?

Isn’t it time that we throw the idea into the garbage that women are the sensitive ones? So we can be each other’s strength and cry freely in each other’s arms if we need to.

We search for an independent man who can support his own life; we expect him to pay for our dates as if he didn’t have rent and bills piling up. I see how one-sided this is—and unhealthy, to say the least.

I want us to support each other, to prioritize our love, which doesn’t mean asking him to give up everything else in his life.

Up to this day, I don’t understand what the deal is with men and video games, but I do understand what it means to binge “Gossip Girl” for the fifth time. How is this any different? Let’s get real—the world says we should let our inner child out.

We allow ourselves to be curious, do funny dances, and laugh loud—yet when men play games, we connect this with a lack of maturity and responsibility. Maybe they don’t know where they are going in life? Well, we are not sure of that either.

Sharing a life with a partner adds to our life. It is no longer all about me and what I want? But we, what do we want? What can I learn from seeing the world through his eyes?

I want to share five of the best gifts men have offered to me:

1. Compassion

Even if they don’t understand me when for no apparent reason I need to cry, they have been there for me with dark chocolate and open arms.

2. Silliness 

When I said, “I am a Viking Queen,” and I was met with, “Of course you are,” instead of a why?

3. Generosity

He worked for his goals and dreams, yet he also worked for mine. He would rather work extra hours, so I could study and focus on my goals in life.

4. Vulnerability

He was raised to toughen up, yet he trusted me to cry inside my arms.

5. Acceptance

That time he said: you are too beautiful, while I stand there, no makeup, no filter, hair up on a messy bun, wearing the oldest white T-shirt-pajama I had.

What if we dared to stop expecting perfection?

At heart, we want men to love us for who we are, and if we could love men for who they are, perhaps this is the place where balance can be found.

We ask, “Where are the good men?” If only some are the good ones among hundreds of other men, is it the same for us? Do men categorize us this way as well, the good ones and the rest? To which one do we belong?

As much as this sounds like a message to men, it’s also a message to us women, so we can let go of beliefs that had only stopped us from enjoying the partnership and love our heart truly seeks.

So why do we keep trying to find the one? Because men are special and wonderful, just like you and me. Our ideas combined are better because they serve two hearts.

A writer friend of mine, Paul Curtis, said, “We will be ready to share space with another when we can be truly in a good space with ourselves.”

This feels like a great place to start.


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