May 4, 2021

The Danger of Intense Sexual Attraction.

Have you ever met a person who instilled an unequivocal lust in you?

Something so primitive and raw that just the mere thought of them kissing, holding, touching you is so overwhelming it evokes a physical response in you?

I never understood what it was, to have a “burning desire” for someone—until I met him.

He was unassuming, an enigma who was everything yet nothing I wanted.

A man battling with demons, ferociously fighting to escape his darkness, but who, at the same time, radiated light-emitting innate goodness in him.

And it was the goodness in him that shone through the inner turmoil of his darkness—that drew me in like a moth to a flame, further igniting my desire to be with him each and every moment we spent together.

However, the Universe intervened, steering me away from him all the way across the other side of the country before even having the chance to explore my deepest desires with him.

And even though I was now, literally, thousands of kilometres away, I could not stop yearning for him.

When the days of yearning turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I knew I had to reach out to him to see if one day he would reciprocate my feelings, so I did, but his silence only greeted me.

To extinguish these relentless feelings of desire, I had to understand why. Why was I consumed by such an intense desire for this man? An intensity I had never felt before, which showed no sign of ever dying out.

Looking for a reason, I decided to deep dive into the realms of psychology where I discovered an online article by Seth Meyers Psy.D.: “Can sexual attraction become too strong?

Dr. Meyer’s words instantly struck a chord with me:

“You can be too sexually attracted to someone. You can meet someone who unleashes the most elaborate sexual desire, but that person is probably not someone you should pursue, because the intensity of your sexual feelings likely comes from a primitive—and dysfunctional—set of feelings and beliefs. Most important, meeting someone and feeling too sexually attracted often indicates underlying idealization. Sexual attraction that is too intense from the very start often indicates a distorted belief that this new person will provide a sense of emotional completion, fulfilling long-simmering emotional needs that have previously gone unmet.

People who feel extreme, I-need-to-have-them-now sexual attraction often have a history of psychological trauma or neglect.” 

And the reason his words struck a chord was that everything he said was correct. I had grandiose idealisations and, after years of being in a loveless relationship completely devoid of passion and intimacy with an unfeeling man who starved me of affection, I was desperately seeking someone to fulfil my emotional needs. I was also that person who feels extreme, I-need-to-have-them-now sexual attraction, and who has a history of psychological trauma.

My grandiose idealisation was that this man was the one who was going to fulfill my overwhelming need for warmth, passion, intimacy, and affection. But knowing that my intense feelings of attraction toward him were nothing more than a manifestation of my deep underlying need for emotional attachment, stemming from a history of psychological trauma was, well, a buzzkill.

Even being conscious of these reasons, I still desperately wanted him. And that there itself is where the danger of intense sexual attraction lies.

It takes immense willpower to shut down unhealthy, intense feelings of sexual attraction, but it is achievable.

We are the master of our mind, so the next time these intense feelings of attraction revisited me, instead of allowing them to coerce my mind into jumping on board the fanaticism train for the wild dopamine filled ride, I mustered up my willpower to bring them to a grinding a halt, then with conviction said, “These feelings are unhealthy, and you need to stop running with them.”

My words of affirmation were enough to override my intense feelings and quieten my mind, which not only enabled me to see the unclouded reality of the situation but to accept it and endeavour to move on.


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