June 22, 2021

Dear Gentlemen: 10 Things you don’t have to do when you Get Married.

Dear Gentlemen: 10 Things you don’t have to do when you Get Married.

I got engaged, recently. And now we’ve begun the process of getting our marriage license.

And I’m an expert in the subject of what not do do…having been in an argument with the love of my life only 10 minutes ago. So here goes. I’ll crowdsource the last few, via friends and comments.

Note: this can generally apply to any couple, it is hoped. I will use “her,” in this article, since it’s based on my experience—but her/his/their hopefully will equally apply. If it doesn’t, please add / subtract in comments.

  1. You don’t have to change her last name. You can! You can hyphenate both. You can change yours!
  2. You don’t have to be in charge of moving or buying a house or bringing home the bacon. You can! You can delegate! But you can share areas of focus, too!
  3. You don’t have to cede baby duties to her. You can! You can share. You should help!
  4. You do have to control the remote! Don’t let go of that thing! Just…kidding.
  5. You can be in charge, and be a feminist! You just can’t be in charge of all things. She can be in charge, and you can still be a real man!
  6. You can let go of needing to be a “real man.” Don’t buy into that BS. Real men don’t buy into corporate commercial cultural BS around what defines a “real man.”
  7. You don’t have to avoid tough conversations, like: prenup, health care, debt, mortgages, adoption, death, 401K/Roth/savings just because you don’t want to offend her (or, vice versa).
  8. You don’t have to make her feel better if she’s upset. She’s responsible for her own emotions, just as you are for yours. That said, the more you can care for her when she’s down, or feeling off, and help, and be kind and considerate—and the more she can for you, besos!
  9. From Dylan: > Regular Check in every 1-4 weeks.
    > Both Assume Positive Intent
    > No Emotional Text Based Communications
    My reply:
    Dylan, Love this. We’re finding it important to schedule an hour each for talking / taking care of business like travel, flights, whatever/ cleaning / exercise / hike / bike trip / cooking…like, pretty much the minimal happens with two busy people unless we schedule it out.
  10. From Timothy: As a man, you will and must demand to have the last two words in every argument. Be a man. Assert yourself. And the last two words are…”Yes, dear.” I learned this after 29 years.
    My reply:
    Timothy, hahah…you had me going there.
  11. From Jesse: be a good listener, don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
    [And] Let go of the things you were hoping to change about your partner. If it hasn’t happened yet, it likely never will. Let that sh*t go, homey!
    What else?
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