So, I’m going on my first date tomorrow…with a woman.

It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I think I’m ready to jump.

I’m ready to explore.

I’m ready to have fun.

I’m ready to see where the world takes me next.

I’m ready to date a woman.

To be honest, dating has never been easy for me.

I was never allowed to date, and so at 29, I feel awkward and unsure of what I’m doing.

Some days, I want to explore.

Other days, I feel like a child and dating feels icky.

Most days, I just cry alone confused and dissociated.

I want to date.

I want to stand proud as a woman.

I want to be accepted, loved, and encouraged to grow.

I want all of this, but I can’t have it where I come from.

I can’t have both my family and my truest self, and this hurts.

It hurts deeply.

It’s been nine years now since I’ve been home, and I still struggle.

I struggle to smile.

I struggle to come across as “normal” because there are basic things I never learned in childhood.

I struggle to know what it is I really like.

I’ll buy a shirt on Monday and not like it on Tuesday.

I’ll want to date today and not tomorrow.

I’ll make dinner and then not want it.

You see, I don’t really know who I am.

I never have because I missed out on some important stuff in childhood.

I missed out on a lot.

And while I cry today and dissociate often, I’m determined to figure this healing thing out.

I’m determined to find myself and nourish her growth alone.

So tomorrow, I’m going on a date.

Yes, I’m going on a date…with a woman.

And I’m excited tonight.

We will see about tomorrow.

No matter what happens though, it will be okay.

I’ve got myself and the hearts of my younger selves, and I’m not letting go.

We are doing this together.

We are dating.

We are healing.

~