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Warning: a few F-bombs ahead.
Forget about the “spiritual crap” that tells you—you are everything and everyone.
Well, yes and no.
First things first.
I am not you.
You are not me.
Sometimes what you see out there in the world has nothing to do with your essence or even your shadow self for that matter. The shadow self is all repressed parts that compose you. It’s not some ugly ghost trying to haunt you and make you feel miserable.
Sometimes what you see in the world is cruel, ugly, unmerciful, and unfair.
It is what it is. Yes.
But it may have nothing to do with who you are.
You are a separate soul in human form. You came here to experience life on your own terms.
Yes, you are connected to everything and everyone at your human essence.
Yes, we share our imperfectly perfect humanity with each other.
But let’s get this straight one more time; you are not me. I am not you.
We are unique unto ourselves.
You are incomparable.
No one has the exact same finger prints as you.
You are you.
And you must live this human life as you—in all its messy, muddy, ugly, magical, amazing waters. In this multidimensional being of which composes—you.
The reason why you and I suffer is because we are blocking (or not allowing parts) of ourselves to show up, nor are we showing them to the world.
We may think we need to show off our glamorous lifestyle and our badass achievements.
And, there is nothing wrong with this.
But, what about our secret self?
The self who feels vulnerable and sometimes isolated from the world because we were programmed to show only certain parts of ourselves, while hiding our tears, our ugly red screaming faces when we cry, our messiness, our unstableness.
We are too scared to acknowledge these parts of ourselves—like our addictions.
Isn’t everyone addicted…?
It sure feels that way.
Unless we have transcended our fucking messed up human selves.
I am completely done with showing one or two sides of me—while other parts of myself are screaming to be seen, embraced, and deeply honored. The integral parts that make me whole.
If there is one thing I want to deliver or share in this world it’s this:
Smash your fucked-up programming. The programming you were raised with, the programming you think is “your truth.”
We borrowed from the adult caregivers in our childhood, a whole fucked-up map that told us how to navigate our life: what emotions to feel and what to hide, what to show to the world and what to repress, and who we are supposed to be.
We were made to be a robot from day one on this earth. We were programmed in a certain way every day of our childhood.
From psychology, we know the first six to seven years of our childhood will determine how our adulthood is going to unfold.
If our adult self feels fucked up right now: messy, ugly, in pain, silently suffering, feeling disconnected, disappointed and dissatisfied with how life is going—look to your childhood.
It’s time to become aware of our narrative—that story in our mind and what it is telling us.
It may be something like this:
>> Why is money so difficult for me to get?
>> I feel depressed.
>> I don’t think I can make this step, it’s too risky.
>> What if I fail and they will ridicule me?
>> No I can’t go this way. Maybe I need to go that way. No. Wait. Maybe the middle way? Nope. I feel confused now.
>> I don’t know who I am anymore.
>> Anything I do is not seen or applauded.
>> Why am I here?
>> There’s no point in doing that.
This kind of thinking can be an endless process in our mind, and we may not even be aware of it.
We need to look at what type of dialog or monologue is happening inside our head.
Is it true?
Is it absolutely true to you?
Does it have anything to do with our essence/core?
If not, why is it there?
Because we are replaying the story our caregivers gave to us, about us. We are experiencing life through the filters of our childhood.
We are still a child in an adult body feeling unable to un-do our upbringing.
I know how painful this is.
I have been going through this for quite a few years now and still in the process of deprogramming myself. I feel naked and sometimes vulnerable when I peel off the layers of conditioning because it was a close part of me, and I was mistaking these layers for being me.
When we start to question the reality of the stories in our minds, we start to awaken.
We start to see why this narrative is there, and if it is serving us.
Spiritual awakening is not only “love and light” kind of shit. It is also not, “I’m at peace forever, living a luxurious life with bubble baths and roses on my bed every day.”
Don’t buy into that crap.
True spiritual awakenings (according to my own life experience, so far) can be a disorienting, confusing, painful, dark time—especially when we have to face a shitload of outdated programming that is running our life every single day, without a possibly of escape.
When we start to see how our minds are programmed, we can understand how we are creating a reality based on that programming—one which told us we are not enough as we are, we have to strive for more, not worthy if we exhibit certain behaviours, or that we need to feel miserable to earn love.
On top of everything, we may confuse ourselves with others as if we are supposed to live the same life path.
We are not, actually.
When we see others living glamorous lifestyles, we never know if they are compensating for something by showing off how they live, as we can not see the whole picture.
While achievements, ambitions, and goals are amazing and may make life worth living, we need to understand we are not others.
We are interconnected with other humans, yes. But we are not stuck in our family of origin.
We don’t have to be our parents (unless the programming continues, then we are all of them but not our core self).
I also want to emphasize that getting to our core self could be a life-long process.
It does not happen overnight.
Embracing ourselves as we are right now is the first step into being who we are at our core, and who we want to be in the world.
Deprogramming is the step to our best life, one that can feel amazing and magical, and is also naturally inspiring and motivating to ourselves and others.
To deprogram we may need therapy, meditation, medicine, mentors, and other tools. Only we can find out what tool works best for us in this process.
You are you. Not me.
I am not you either.
Yet amazingly you.
There are billions of women out there.
And I’m just starting my to realize I am a unique, incomparable woman in my own birthright to be who I choose to be in this lifetime.