June 10, 2021

Stop Forcing yourself to Be Positive and just be F*cking Negative.

Today felt like one of those days where nothing was going right, despite everything going…right.

It felt like one of those days where I wanted to run and hide and perhaps jump in the ocean and float away into a world that’s definitely not this one. But I had no water to escape to, so instead, I created my own that fell from my eyes and landed on my computer as I edited into oblivion (to those who don’t know me: I am an editor).

I caught myself beginning to wonder how I could possibly feel so depressed when I’m surrounded by blooming flowers and warm mountain air. I stopped myself mid-thought because I knew how disempowering it would be to tell myself how I “should” feel because of the abundance—and privilege—I have.

Instead, I decided to empower myself by choosing to be in control of my emotions and allowing myself to hide and cry and scream and yell and not smile. To no surprise, I felt myself relax. I relaxed because I no longer needed to feel frustrated about the leaking negativity dripping from my eyes—it was my choice. I no longer felt frustrated because I consciously labeled that, “Today I feel negative, and that’s okay.”

I closed my computer, and I stepped outside with a massive frown on my face until the warm, dry breeze carried the smell of lilac into my nostrils forcing me to inhale a little deeper.

And then…exhale.

A slight smile began to graze my face as the summery smells of fire burning, flowers blooming, and fresh-cut grass hugged me like I hope a giant bear would. The smile on my face crept closer to my ears as the colors along the path I walked multiplied. Reds, oranges, pinks, yellows, purples…every color imaginable.

I noticed the chatter of the people around me, the birds singing in the distance, and a lawnmower devouring the grass. I focused on each sound, smell, and sight until silence washed over me like the rain I was dancing in yesterday.

For the first time today, I felt peace. I felt the rise and fall of my little round belly and the warmth beneath my bare feet on the concrete, and then I remembered:

I’m here.

And I’m sad and lonely and drowning in negative thoughts, and that’s okay.

It’s okay to be sad and lonely and negative because being sad and lonely and negative means I am alive.

It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful nor aware of my abundance; it means I am human.

I continued along the path to my cute, vine-covered home watching the negative thoughts in my mind walk along their own path only to say hi for a moment. I smiled at my thoughts, but they did not smile back, and that’s okay.

I decided to become the observer. I recognized each thought that I did not question nor judge; I simply observed, returned to the breath, and grazed my fingertips along the ferns poking through my neighbor’s fence. Again and again, I returned to the breath.

I returned to the breath until I could be.

It’s amazing how as soon as we make the conscious decision to allow ourselves to be negative, we give ourselves the space to ground into now.

We give ourselves the space to relax and surrender to our negativity.

We give ourselves patience.

We give ourselves compassion until we can simply be.

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