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July 15, 2021

To the little girl in me

Often sitting in my flat, after finishing whatever chore is there, going through some productive websites or articles to keep my sanity. My mind wanders to this tiny subconscious part of my brain, I believe where one memory is distinctly imprinted.

I often see the 16 year old version of myself, really hopeless and loveless, eating away my emotions, pretending to be happy, at that age God knew what I lacked and only he was able to truly understand.

An obese teenager has enough issues as it is, but now 13 years down the line I still from time to time remember that version of mine.

I think I still carry some parts of her with me, body issues have turned into bond issues, from not feeling like myself to not feeling too much like myself, fear of everything to fear of having nothing.

I often feel if someone had just come and hugged me and said ” hey you know what , life is unpredictable, so smile today”..

I often think that as much of happy days I have seen since then, I wonder why doesn’t the 16 year old in me heal?

Is happiness really a good enough balm for inherent issues?

So often I think about her and weep silently, I tell her that life turned out not that bad, there are difficult days but I am loved, there are failures but I still get up and try.

I tell her that you can go now because I am fine, I have many more versions of myself waiting for me, let me free you of fear.

Don’t worry little girl , you did great!

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