View this post on Instagram
One thing I am learning is that it doesn’t matter how loud or how much I tell the world of my pain and suffering; it will always be misappropriated, shamed, or misunderstood.
But when it is understood by others, it still won’t heal or save me.
Sharing our trauma or struggles is the connection we build as humans by being vulnerable and knowing that we are not alone like we often feel.
Here are some vulnerable shares:
1. Suffering from physical abuse.
My only thought as I was flying over someone’s shoulder and across the room then landing on the floor with a thump was that it was my fault; I deserved this pain.
2. Taking a moped to my hotel after being raped.
I left the scene only to be felt up by the driver as I was lost in a daze wondering, “How did I cause it?”
3. Waiting for three months to know if I was disease free from the rape.
All of this was happening while watching my mom with multiple sclerosis suffer an attack because of her pain over what had happened to me. I kept wishing I could die because then, others wouldn’t have to suffer for me.
4. Sharing losing a child.
Pre and postnatal depression made me attempt on my life.
5. Talking about why I do yoga to keep my depression and mental health in check on social media.
Then was told that I was a bad mother and a porn star because of what I wear. Those comments left me sitting in my darkness at home and wondering if anyone would miss me. I wondered if my daughter and those who know would be better off without me in case I was successful in leaving this world.
Those constitute only a part of my story and the thoughts that accompany me on my healing journey.
Time will remind you that you cannot heal your way out of being human or feeling. You see, being human is meant to heal you—not paralyse you.
Time teaches us that we cannot heal by seeking others’ approval in life. We cannot heal our way into the most put-together version of ourselves.
When we know this, we remember that healing is not about going back to when everything was okay; it is the ability to build the strength and courage to handle everything life throws at us.
When we walk with this knowledge, we will always remember that there will be scary clowns (haters), bad days, cruel people, scars, misunderstandings, setbacks, and more.
However along this journey we learn that we do not need to avoid them in order to heal. We need to go through it all.
In a snowstorm, to be able to see again, we must let it settle.
To overcome it, we must go through.
To succeed, we must fail.
To know beauty, we must embrace our lives.
To grow, we must try.