August 30, 2021

Maybe we don’t need to be “Fixed.”


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I’ve been working in the field of conscious sexuality for a long time, teaching and doing one-on-one.

I love the journeys I share because of the depth we go to. That’s really what interests me: the depth, the learning, the understanding, the growth that comes from that.

And the healing.

And that’s what I’d like to share with you—a perspective in healing.

For so many of us, healing is about fixing a problem, releasing a pain, making something better, something different.

This is where so many people’s journeys begin.

“I’m not having orgasms; sex is painful; I don’t feel sexually connected; I don’t have a lot of sexual energy or desire; I feel disconnected from myself, my body, my partner, and my heart; I’m not fulfilled; I ejaculate too quickly; I have erection problems; I don’t feel sexually open; I want more from sex; I read about sexual energy, Tantra, and I want that…”

That’s the story that so many of us live with, and that we’d like to change.

And we think something’s wrong, that we need to be fixed, healed.

I’ve seen something happen with so many of these issues, and more, over the time I’ve been on this journey.

It requires a “mind shift,” as I like to quote from one of my favourite movies; it requires a jump to the left and a step to the right.

This jump is about understanding that if we connect with ourselves, if we’re more present, if we’re more in our bodies, if we’re more in our hearts, if we allow ourselves to feel, if we allow energy to move within us and through us, what needs to happen will happen.

You see, inside of us is this amazing intelligence, this incredible wisdom, beyond what our mind can generally grasp, that knows how to do these things.

What’s happened to us, the experiences we’ve had—physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, and sensually—have disconnected us from this. The conditioning, patterning, and beliefs we carry have separated us from this. The education we’ve received has taken us away from this.

And that we’ve never really been taught and experienced is the power of pleasure. Not just sexual pleasure, or genital pleasure, but the pleasure of being alive, in this body, breathing, tasting, hearing, smelling, seeing, and feeling.

What I’ve seen over all these years is that when we undertake this journey of connection with ourselves, with our bodies, so much changes.

Is it healing? Yes, of course, just not from the place we thought it needed to come from. Not from needing to be fixed, but rather from the desire of wanting to be who we are and experience more of that. Along the way, the things that keep us from that, from who we are, arise for us to examine. Along the way, we come to understand ourselves more, and what we’ve done, and we respond to that.

It’s a big shift from a world that’s problem and solution-based. It’s a big shift from a model that keeps us needing healing, that keeps us broken, anxious, judged, and disconnected. We see this so much at the moment in the world.

It’s a big shift that allows us to take a breath, to know that on this journey so much is possible, and that it will happen.

I’ve seen this happen with so many people—when we allow ourselves.

We can take the pressure off of needing to go from not having orgasms to having multiple orgasms, ejaculating, and having full-body energy orgasms in six weeks, and know that our bodies know how to have pleasure—amazing pleasure. And we’ll see how many other wonderful things happen along the way.

It does require a jump—of the mind, of the heart, of the body, of energy.

A jump to ourselves, to looking at ourselves, sex, relationships, and life differently.

It’s a jump to seeing that our sexuality is in the context of our lives.

It’s a jump to seeing, living, feeling, possibility.

It’s a jump to a softer, more relaxed state.

And that’s really what we’re looking for.


If you just lasted longer during sex, you think everything else will just fall into place, and your relationship will be amazing and intimate.

A brief digression: one of the things I’ve discovered in working with men is how linked being able to receive, being willing to be vulnerable and open, is to male sexual performance issues. Allow for greater emotional connection, open your heart more, and watch what happens to your body.

It’s in the fullness of our lives, our bodies, our hearts, our energy. And when we begin that journey, so much changes.

Yes of course we want the problem fixed! But how we do it matters, the place it comes from inside of us matters.

Why does that matter?

Because when we see through those eyes, we see from the heart. We see from a place that understands the gifts of all that happens to us, to the pathways they show us, and how that’s connected to all of life. We see how we can grow through loving ourselves. We see what’s possible through openness, how so much happens in the intimacy with ourselves, and how that can become intimacy with another.

We see what love and pleasure can be when they come from love and intimacy.

These are the journeys I love sharing, and all the practices, all the energy experiences, all the talking we do, are about that—the relationship with yourself.

With love, from love, for love.

And I need to say this: love is not an airy-fairy thing on this path. It’s not rainbows and unicorns and new-age bullsh*t.

It’s real; it shows us things in plain, bright light that brings awareness and takes us beyond the illusions. It shows us who we are, in our divine beauty. And it brings us to living with greater awareness of love.

For ourselves, for life.

For me, as I keep learning more of who I am, these are the journeys that I love to share with you.

These are the places we find the healing.

Within ourselves.

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