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You will question everything.
(Was I crazy? Was I making up stories in my own head?)
At first, you will see them through rose-coloured glasses (it really wasn’t that bad).
You will think about all the nice things they said to you (they couldn’t have lied about all that). And all the small glimpses you did get of closeness and intimacy (“you’re the only person I’ve ever felt this way about”).
You will tell yourself they couldn’t possibly have cheated or lied to you.
You will tell yourself that you believe they are a good person, but you know, it just didn’t work out!
But then, you get evidence. Something suddenly clicks for you, and there’s no denying what must have happened.
You will want to become a detective, investigating every clue to get your answers. But you’ve done this in the past and you know that this will get you nowhere. You know it will only cause more pain and won’t help you heal.
Instead, you will choose the healthier path: clean cut. No contact. Let them continue to live their life this way, but you will choose to have no part in it.
But then, you will drive yourself crazy in the not-knowing. You will play back moments where you had suspicions, trying to spot the hidden clues and messages.
You will ask friends over and over what they think. What this and that could have meant. You know they will soon tire of hearing about it.
You can’t believe you let yourself think you were the crazy one. And you can’t believe when you opened up about your anxiety in relationships, they let you believe that it really was all in your head.
You will have to accept one hard truth: that there is not, and never will be, a way for you to actually know what happened.
Because when you did try and ask, all you got was anger and denial.
You will have to make peace with the fact that you won’t know what is truth—at least from their end. All you can do is focus on what you know to be true for you.
And you now know all that anxiety and overthinking? It was a warning sign.
It was your mind trying to alert you to the fact that something was not right.
You now know to listen to your gut instinct—it is there to protect you.
You will decide to have better boundaries and expectations, and if someone crosses them or refuses to meet you where you are, then they are not right for you.
You will no longer hold onto someone because of the idea of what you could be. Or because of loneliness. Or because you’re so in love with the idea of love that, just once, you hope the story will play out differently.
You must not internalize their behaviour as something that’s wrong with you.
You did not ask for too much.
You were not insecure for wanting to know things, like what they were up to for an evening.
You are deserving of someone who is willing to communicate with you. Someone who will not run away and lie when things get tough.
(Please know, you did not push them into doing this; if they didn’t like how you behaved, then the proper response is to talk about it.)
The only way forward is to learn something about yourself from this.
The only “mistake” you made was not trusting yourself.
You will go back and forth, still hoping you’ll get more clarity, but soon, you will be okay with the fact that you won’t ever have it.
You will not let this person taint dating and love for you. It will be tempting to harden and put up walls, but you can’t. Do not give them that satisfaction.
You will choose to believe that not everyone is like this. And you will not settle because you know in your heart that healthy love does exist.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” ~ Maya Angelou