The truth is that I am a bypasser.
Without a mindful effort, this is my natural tendency. I’d rather distract myself than deal with myself. I’d rather numb myself than dive deep into the emotional experience of what is going on. I’d rather focus on others instead of bringing attention to my complex inner workings.
I’d rather live in an imaginary world than this reality.
My wise soul is dedicated to the work. Through study, dedication, and grit, I continuously dive deep into the exploration of my inner self and have done some amazing processing and healing work. But on a day-to-day basis, my subconscious shadow bypasser self often wins, and I find sneaky, subtle ways to do my work and then check out.
I eat to avoid feeling the inner pain and loneliness. I eat to comfort myself through working too much or doing tasks I don’t want to do. I eat to feel pleasure instead of healthily engaging with my body.
I listen to tons of content with the guise of learning and growth to drown out the incessant chatter in my head. I listen to avoid dealing with all the inner conflict going within me. I listen to try to figure out the magic bullet solution to feeling better.
I overwork, overdo, and overexert myself so that I don’t have to sit in stillness and silence. I overdo so I don’t have to be present with my pain. I overwork so that I can help others feel better since I’m not there myself. I overexert myself because I need to prove something to others instead of fully healing the self-loathing.
This bypassing tendency was recently pointed out to me, and I was met with this realization like a big obviously sign being slammed in my face.
But bypassing is a whole other thing.
Having this clarity brings me to the truth that I don’t want to be a bypasser. Being present is important to me because my habit of finding distractions is not one that I like. It makes me feel lazy and pathetic. I know in my heart and soul that I want to be here, now, fully with me.
I want to feel.
I want to sit with what is.
I want to ground myself.
I want to be present.
I want to be me—fully and completely.
I want to do the deep work and enjoy it.
I want to keep doing the deep work over and over again—not just twice a week when I have several hours, but on an ongoing daily basis.
I want to breathe with what is.
I want to know myself through this being with what is.
I want to love myself in all of my sh*t.
I want to be okay and feel safe, feeling all the feels.
I want to trust in being in that murky water of the now.
I want to trust myself to move through it and heal instead of needing to be at the finish line.
I am ready to be quiet, be still, and just be with me. I am ready to notice what arises and splash around in that space. I am ready to acknowledge what needs to be felt in the moment instead of putting it off. I am ready to let my body fully express the energy it needs to expel. I am ready to love myself no matter what comes up. I am ready to be with myself, be present, and go from there.
With this realization I create a fork in the road, and I choose a new path forward.
Right now, I am making a commitment to myself that the next time I feel anything come up, I pause and allow myself to feel it—feel it until it’s run through me. I will not let my busyness get in the way. I won’t say to myself, “Yes, I know this is here, but I’ll add it to the to-do list to address later.” I will tend to it right then.
Presence, messy feels, truth, and resilience. This is what I want and what I am leaning toward.
And I hope this inspires you on your path.