Dear married/committed men—and ladies who want to understand,
As a single woman, there are some things I would like to say to you.
I do not find it flattering, endearing, or sexy to get messages from you about how I look or what you want to do to me. My single status is not an open invitation, neither does it imply that I am lonely or not “getting any.”
I know that I post quotes and words about longing for love, but don’t get it bent; I am good.
I love poetry; I love words; I love love in all its shapes and forms. But if they are to be from a man, he would be single and actively working on his side of the road, as I work on mine.
My confidence is not a sexual invitation and has nothing to do with the male species or female for that matter. It is about being confident in myself. You see, I learned, a long time ago, that there is a difference between alone and lonely, of which I am neither.
This allows me a freedom of expression, a comfort within my being that isn’t defined by whether there is another in my experience. I have a full life with friends, family, purposeful work, and lots of love.
I am a conscious woman looking for a conscious man, one who knows that when he makes a commitment to someone, it is not just a sexual agreement of monogamy. No, he sees me as his best friend, one who is the first to call if he was struggling within the union (which is normal), not Facebook messaging.
Conscious relationships are about recognizing your own experience and showing up to it.
Yes, I post selfies and enjoy getting likes and lovely comments. Once again, it is not an invitation to your disconnection. Also, take my word for it, I do not look like this in the morning or night. I do not have a filter app on my face 24/7, neither will I walk around at pleasing angles to ensure a perfect look.
Do you know what is sexy to me and to most women?
A man who works on the commitments in his life, not a man who sends messages of, “Yes I have a girlfriend, but I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Then there is the “Do you want coffee?” message after I have posted a selfie. You may think you are being friendly and there is nothing in it, that it is a compliment or a nice connection, but to me, this is what I experience.
I am not someone’s second. I am an incredible woman who has the grace to be kind to you when you behave this way. I deserve to be someone’s first thought, not an avoidance tactic.
I think about your wife and how she would feel about this “coffee” or this “message.” You asking me to engage in this behavior goes against my values and everything that makes me the dynamic woman I am. You asking this of me shows that you don’t know who I am as a woman, and neither do you care about my experience.
The reality is that I am nothing but a distraction to whatever emotional experience you are having and do not want to acknowledge.
Ladies if you have read this, here is the takeaway:
Why engage? What are you experiencing that craves attention from a hollow hole? Because that’s what it is.
If he is attached and paying you the attention that he should be giving his partner, what kind of partner do you think he is? You are worth so much more, so show this in your choices and behaviors.
You don’t have to shut men down just because you owe it to their wives and families. You owe it to yourself first, to the karma you create by invalidating another person’s experience. Unless the other partner is 100 percent onboard with this interaction, you are not needed here. Leave that space open for a man of worth.
I am lucky I know a lot of incredible husbands, fathers, boyfriends, ones who have f*cked up and been grown up enough to fix it. I know husbands who take their marital issues to their partner, not to someone else. These men are the men in my life that keep my heart and hope open as a single lady.
So, I will end with this moment that shifted my life.
Years ago, a friend told me that she was upset that her partner likened her to a comfy Holden. He commented that men desire a Ferrari but will always come home to a Holden (yes, it was an Australian friend). She was upset that she was thus being called a comfy Holden.
I replied, “Well, honey, take it from the Ferrari, it isn’t that sh*t hot! The grass will always be greener on the other side if you are looking over the fence and not tending to your own grass.”
I prefer motorbikes to cars, but if money was not an option, I would go for a Jag over a Ferrari any day. Don’t make someone else a Holden or a Ferrari; they are not there to fulfill your experience of life, keep you comfy, or make you feel like a sexual rock star. Let them choose what vehicle they want to be in, stand in awe of it, and most of all, respect it and stop avoiding your own issues by looking over the fence.
As always, this is said with love and a giant heap of “tired of this sh*t!”