September 17, 2021

It’s Not Really Sex that we’re After.


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I stormed out of the party with tears streaming down my face. I ran down the dark, damp streets, not knowing where the hell I was going.

I had only been dating my boyfriend for a few months. I was 22. We traveled back to his hometown for a homecoming party. He was excited to finally introduce me to his friends. It was our debut as a couple in his tiny, little world.

Something was slightly off when I met a beautiful, red-headed girl who wasn’t friendly at all.

When I asked my boyfriend what her deal was, he admitted it was his ex-girlfriend. I couldn’t understand why he would bring me to a party that his ex-girlfriend would be attending. He tried to explain that everyone knew everyone in this town. There was no getting around the potential of bumping into someone he may have dated while we were there.

I was young and immature. I didn’t like it one bit. I grew up in the city. Once a relationship was over, the chances of running into an ex were rather slim.

As the night moved along, the more upset I became. So instead of just ignoring it, I took it out on my boyfriend and started a big fight.

And then, I bolted.

I left when he wasn’t looking. I cried the entire time as I ran down a street of nothingness.

He eventually realized I was gone. I could hear his screams echo through the night’s air. He was hot on my trail. I didn’t know where to go. I slipped into an open gate and made my way along the path toward a football field.

I just kept moving. I didn’t look back. His voice grew louder. He was fast. So goddamn fast. His footsteps pounded against the wet ground like thunder.

I was lifted up off the ground as he twirled me around and held me tight.

“Don’t ever leave me again,” he pleaded with me. His voice was shaky as tears ran down his sweet face.

I instantly regretted my immaturity for bolting. His pain displayed in his sad eyes. My tears began to fall again for the guilt I felt for hurting him.

His eyes bore into mine. I felt his love for me. I remembered why I loved him so much.

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He released one hand from the grip he had around my body. His hand caressed my face as he attempted to dry my tears, which was useless as a light rain began to fall from the sky.

He leaned in and kissed me, sweetly and tenderly. His grip was now completely undone, but he still held me close. His approving smile told me everything I needed to know about what was going to happen next.

The rain became heavier. We both laughed. Our kisses became frantic. I needed him more than I needed my own breath. He laid me down and made love to me in the middle of the night, in the rain, on the cold, wet grass.

I felt safe to give this man myself in the middle of a high school football field. Our fight was over. He understood why I fled and showed me he loved me anyway.

As beautiful as this moment was, it wasn’t sex we were after. Neither one of us set out for sex.

I’m a sexual person. I love sex. I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not embarrassed by it. I love it. Most of us do. It’s natural. The birds and the bees are doing it. Our friends are doing it. And we are doing it, too.

But why?

As much as our sexual drive may be innate, our sexual behavior is learned. Our behavior depends on our upbringing—our peers, religion, and so many other factors.

We learn throughout our lives how to combine our drive with our behavior. If we left it up to instinct alone, we’d be walking around just sleeping with people and moving on to the next. There would be no forever with one person.

Our behavior is learning how to experience sex. The feelings that come along with having a sexual relationship with someone. From there onward, we learn how to find a match, build a relationship, and share a life with a partner. It’s the connection formed with a sexual experience.

The connection makes it real.

Sex is primal and raw. It’s beautiful. It’s absolutely amazing in every way. But it’s not what we are after.

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It’s the intimacy we want.

Intimacy is a connection. Intimacy gives it meaning and purpose. Without meaning and purpose, sex is empty, unfulfilling, and pointless.

Intimacy brings it to the next level. Intimacy is what we crave.

Intimacy is achieved through touch, sight, admiration, smile, laughter, safety, and feeling understood.

We want to be touched. Touch is vital to our existence. Touch provides us with a deeper connection. Touch feels good. To give and receive touch forms a basis for feelings in our sexual experience.

We want to be looked at. To be seen through the eyes of our lover. To be seen for all who we are. To be seen despite our flaws. To be seen regardless of how we feel. To be seen in our most vulnerable state. Being truly seen shapes honesty within our sexual experience.

We want to be admired, as admiration establishes worthiness and respect within a sexual experience. It feels special when we feel loved.

We want to be smiled at. A smile represents happiness, reassurance, compassion, good intentions, and trustworthiness. It creates happiness within a sexual experience.

We want to laugh with someone because it is good for our souls. It makes us feel alive. It brings joy into our lives. It brings pure meaning to our sexual experience.

We want to feel safe. Feeling safe means being self-assured. It means feeling relaxed with a person. To let down our guards and show our authentic selves. This includes revealing our wants and needs, our hurts and fears. This trust and safety allow the sexual relationship to deepen.

We want to feel understood. Feeling understood empowers us. It makes us feel known. It makes us feel like we belong, and we feel accepted for who we are, which also enhances our sexual experience.

Intimacy is the core concept of our sexuality. It creates an unquantifiable bond between two people. It sets apart our lovers from the rest of the world. It’s the deeper connection with another person.

Intimacy gives our sexual experiences life, passion, and zest. It’s really intimacy that we need.

Expect intimacy. Chase intimacy. Hold out for intimacy. Stand up for intimacy. Demand intimacy. It’s the only way to fully experience sex in the most exquisite way.


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