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It’s one of the most simple things to do, yet maybe one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
But I keep coming back to it for one reason: it works.
Astrology is my thing, formally, but what I believe is at the heart of astrology—what I believe is at the heart of everything—is energy.
Really, energy is all there is—especially when it comes to relationships.
We learn that everything is made of matter—of energy—vibrating at different frequencies and showing up in our world as different densities, but actually experiencing it for ourselves takes it to a whole new level.
If you have ever tried and succeeded at “spoon-bending,” you’ve experienced it. I read about it in one of Martha Beck’s earlier books and followed her instructions and tried it. My husband finally asked me to stop bending all of the silverware.
With this idea in mind, here are five steps to working everyday relationship magic:
Step 1: When feeling any kind of internal discomfort, immediately pause.
Our first clue is discomfort. We don’t have to analyze and figure out what exactly we are feeling or why. We don’t need to name it, label it, diagnose it, or explain it. We just need to recognize when we start feeling any kind of discomfort and pause.
Step 2: Shift focus from “out there”—the other person, the situation—to within.
This is such an important shift to consciously make when we are in discomfort.
Typically, when something has us feeling discomfort, we focus on where it came from and/or who it came from. We want to go to what we see as the source of this to fix it or stop it. But this is not where our power lies. This is not where our magic is effective.
Not only do we give away our power and leak energy when we try to control situations and people around us, but it also isn’t a “right” use of our power and magic. It will drain us, it won’t work out the way we imagined, and without consent, forcing our will onto anything outside of ourselves is unethical. This is why we use the experience and discomfort as a clue to look within and work our magic in our own inner realm. We simply follow the Law of Attraction—knowing that like attracts like—and harness the tremendous amount of power that lies in just that.
Step 3: Expand into being the bigger version of self —the one that can hold all of the fragmented parts with acknowledgment, allowance, and compassion.
This is another key step. Once we have shifted our focus from what we perceive as the source of the issue to within (so we are back in our power), we need to step out of the reactive part of ourselves and into the higher version of ourselves —the one who lovingly creates the safe space for all of our different pieces, parts, talents, sorrows, experiences, fears, needs, and desires.
This is about expanding so that we become a safe place for all of ourselves. Becoming expansive, neutral, and allowing is the magic here.
Step 4: Say to yourself, “Namaste.”
We say it in yoga class, but have we thought about what it truly means?
Namaste is a Hindu greeting of respect and recognizing equality between individuals. On a deeper, more spiritual level, it means, “the divinity in me recognizes the divinity in you.”
In this case, expanding into the bigger version of self and then saying this with full consciousness and intent, is the magic that allows us to access the truth of the situation: we have some version of the same energy within us that we are encountering through another now (otherwise we would not have felt such acute discomfort and charge around it).
It’s tough to acknowledge that what we have so much aversion to, and disdain for, “out there,” is actually within us. It’s easier when we come from the place of knowing that it is all only energy just waiting to be released so it can transmute into a new form. It is also easier when we set up for this step by expanding into the bigger version of ourselves (see step 3).
Step 5: Allow the realization of this energy within to surface to consciousness.
Make space for it, and hold that compassionate space as the bigger version of self. Allow this to be, just as it is. It is only stuck energy waiting to be transformed into a new version of itself—it is every bit as much divinity as the rest of you, and the rest of all of us.
See how it has been labeled and judged, dismissed and not acknowledged, and thus how it has played through in very unconscious ways. There is only room for allowing, compassion, and love here—no analyzing, no figuring things out, no “if only,” and definitely no criticism, blame, or judging!
This is the truly magical part that allows the energy to shift! (And quickly.)
We work our magic by pulling our attention inward and then shifting the energy within ourselves to change our experience, rather than trying to change the situation or another’s behavior outwardly by protesting, retaliating, manipulating, worrying, fearing, analyzing, threatening, or even by trying to be more accommodating.
Like attracts like. That’s the Law of Attraction—the law of energy. If it has a charge for us, it has a landing pad within. That means we have that energy somewhere deep down, but we aren’t acknowledging it. Because of this, we keep encountering it through other people and situations, not able to see it in ourselves, because we don’t want to.
When I first realized that the thing that I so disliked in someone else was within me, I felt sick to my stomach. It was too painful. But I knew it was true.
It is painful because at some point we have decided it is unacceptable. But until we are able to accept it and allow it, we will continue to attract it to us.
Like attracts like. Always. It is really that simple. The only time it becomes complicated is when we are unable to see all of ourselves as we truly are—when we cannot acknowledge certain parts of ourselves because of our judgment and pain around them.
The power is in us. The magic is in us, at our fingertips. But we work the magic within, by working on ourselves. It is all energy—all we have to do is shift within ourselves. As within, so without. What is reflected to us in our lives has to follow the inner shift. And it will, without question.
We can only ever give to others or do to others what we first give or do to ourselves. We are powerful creators, we are the magicians and alchemists, we are truly the rulers of our realms. And the way we rule is from within, always.
When we stay solidly seated upon the thrones of our hearts as sovereign rulers of our (inner) realms, everything else falls into alignment with that energy.
This is the same energetic principle as a tuning fork. If we have two tuning forks, one’s vibration sent out will cause the other to match its frequency. In this case, you are the tuning fork, and the frequency you emit is the tool by which you rule your realm. Your vibration and energetic frequency attract that same vibration and frequency back to you.
So, it is only natural that if we have parts of ourselves buried, hidden, and disowned within, we will still attract their vibration into our lives. This is why when the acute discomfort sounds the alarm, we know we have something within that needs our attention, love, compassion, allowance, and acceptance—our namaste.
What we experience “out there” is always a reflection of what is within us.
When we soften into the discomfort, find compassion for ourselves, the other, and expand to hold all of it, we begin to be able to see the other and ourselves more clearly, and experience the situation less personally, because we have created space for it all to simply be, as it is. Judging and condemning not only creates more separation, but it also steals our energy and disempowers us as it feeds the energy of what we so desperately want to be rid of, eventually attracting more of it.
This means that feeling unlovable and constantly looking to others for love will never work. It will only attract others who also feel unlovable. When two people who feel unlovable come together, then we have two people looking to the other to feel loved, while each is too busy hating themselves to give love. What then do they give each other? What they give themselves—loathing.
Remember that these are things that we despise and find unacceptable, so it is painful to acknowledge them within us.
This is why working this magic is so simple, and yet so difficult.
We simply say, “I feel discomfort, and I don’t like it.” Then, knowing like attracts like and our magic and power lies within, we begin to hold all of the parts of ourselves with love, and soften with compassion for ourselves and the other who is feeling the same pain.
Then we just allow. We allow it all to exist just the way it is. We allow everything and everyone, especially ourselves, to simply be okay as it is right now.
Things can shift quite quickly when we start allowing them, rather than trying to cut off parts of ourselves. We cannot heal by dismembering ourselves. If we want things to be different, we must start doing things differently. In this case, that means meeting the discomfort with softness, expansion, and allowance. This is the magic that allows the energy to shift and transform into something in alignment with the present moment.
>> If we feel unwanted, we must look at where we are not wanting parts of ourselves, and where we have, in turn, not wanted (rejected) others—most likely because they mirrored those parts we rejected in ourselves.
>> If we feel distrusted or distrustful, we must look at where we are distrustful of others, ourselves, the world, the universe, or where we are being somehow not fully trustworthy.
>> If we feel controlled, we must look at where we are controlling situations and others, or even trying to control ourselves (like how we try to control our emotions or our body weight).
>> If we feel not good enough, we must look at the ways in which we are not good enough for ourselves, and how we project that judgment and criticism out onto the people around us.
>> If we feel unloved, we must be honest about our own self-loathing and the ways in which we don’t love ourselves (and maybe even are destructive or self-sabotaging). If we don’t love ourselves, although we might desperately want love, we will only attract someone who equally despises themselves. Then it becomes a relationship where both people are so busy hating themselves they don’t have the ability to love another. (We can only give or do to others what we first give or do to ourselves.)
>> If we want a relationship, but always find ourselves with people who are noncommittal, we must look at our own fear of commitment and the ways in which we avoid completely committing.
>> If we want an emotionally available partner, but always find ourselves with people who are emotionally unavailable, we must look at our own unavailability.
Whatever is bringing up discomfort for us, a match to that is in us—it is in there somewhere. We don’t keep having these things come up in our lives repeatedly unless we are carrying it within. We might express it differently, but it is there.
To change our experience, we must acknowledge that it is within us too, and allow it. Then, we are free to reclaim the power from that stuck energy, transmute it, and become more of the vibration of what we are wishing to experience.
We must first start giving ourselves what we want most. We can only give to others what we first give to ourselves—like attracts like. When we start giving to ourselves that which we most desire, magic happens. People start showing up in our lives who are giving themselves that most precious thing too, and then we are able to share it with each other.
That’s what I call everyday magic.