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I grieve the you that you were supposed to be.
Did you know that our natal charts tell us all about the people we could be if we weren’t buried under all the lifetimes we’ve had on Earth, our belief systems, and egoic nature?
And let me tell you, we could have been something amazing you and me, but I fear I am lifetimes too late to help pull you out of your darkness. I feel that you have been submerged in an avalanche of stories that are keeping you playing small because you are too afraid to take the risk.
Did you know we could have had a successful and happy marriage, you, and me? I’ve seen it in the hope of the cosmos printed in ink on our natal charts. You can’t see that though. Unfortunately, you have become acclimated to the slowed-down vibration of who you truly are, and I fear that I cannot reach you underneath all that you have buried yourself in. I fear that you have been walking around in darkness for so long that anything resembling the light merely burns your retina at this point and instead of facing yourself you turn away from all you could become.
This light, this love is who you truly are. This higher vibration is who you are made to be, but I can no longer try to convince you of that. Instead, I must do the hard thing and release. I must let you go and hope that God somehow helps raise you up. You and I could have been extraordinarily powerful together, but instead, you wanted to work at cross purposes with me and it resulted in the both of us powerfully demolishing something that could have resulted in a masterpiece.
The problem I face is that I have caught glimpses of this man I know that you could be. This warrior of a man who stands in his power and isn’t afraid of his authenticity, but you seem to only show that side of yourself to me and so I grieve because I wanted that to be the real you. I wanted that to be the you that you showed everybody. Instead, as we traveled this long road together, I have had to grieve the loss of that warrior I thought I saw repeatedly until the road that once held endless promise and possibility turned into a pathway littered with descansos. As every part of that warrior diminished before my very eyes, I laid crosses in my heart where you once stood.
I longed for you to take a risk with me, to open to the potential that existed here, and leap into the unknown with me by your side. I wanted you to look into my eyes and tell me that you’ve known it was me all along, just like I knew it was you. But instead, it feels like you take my hand, and then just as quickly as you take it, you let it go, and I am left to leap off the edge without you. Sometimes I feel like we are Jack and Rose on the “Titanic” as we go down together with the ship only in the end to find that you hop onto a lifeboat and I am left to drown in an ocean what might have been.
And yet through it all, I feel like you want to be that man, more than anything, but I can’t keep waiting for you to make that choice. I can’t keep myself teetering on the edge of almost with hopes that someday we will mean enough for you to unearth yourself and claim your warrior nature. I can’t keep waiting for the day where I see you with crimson clay marking your face for battle, ready to take on your demons and stand in your divine light. I can’t keep waiting for the day when you will finally show the world the real you.
And so, I grieve because the real you is beautiful. The real you is strong. The real you is honest and sincere. The real you means what he says and he stands by his words. The real you walks your talk. The real you is in there, somewhere because he is within me, and that is how I know.
And so, my love, I grieve what you and I could have become and the fact that you would prefer to stay in old situations, reliving the same patterns you have lived for most of your life, wearing a mask of falsity for the world around you because you can’t see the beauty that exists beyond the version of you that you have created in your mind. When you look at me, you do not see you—you see a distorted version of yourself, and that, my love, is where your healing lies.
But until that day comes, we are left with bringing each other along energetically as we experience this life and all it has to offer, and maybe like Jack and Rose we will meet again when this human experience is all over and embrace after our time apart. Maybe we will each love deeply, ride horses on the beach, think of one another under the loving gaze of the full moon, and remember a time when we tried our best to love each other.
And maybe, just maybe, we will get another chance together in this lifetime. If it was written in the stars, then surely we will find our way back to one another. Surely those stars will point the way like a giant navigational system in the sky above. Because surely, you and I could have been amazing.
Your Divine Feminine