October 30, 2021

How the Fear of Being Alone can Affect our Choice of Partners.


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Dua Lipa said it best in her song “Scared to be lonely.”

Are we choosing to be with someone based solely on the fact that we are eager to be seen, noticed, and more importantly, because we are truly, madly, deeply scared of facing ourselves, being alone, and feeling helplessness?

Are we choosing to be with anyone to seek the love we don’t have for ourselves? Do we lack self-appreciation and self-love?

Are we choosing to be with any person who shows interest because we are not independent and self-sufficient? Does staying alone give us the creeps and terrify the bejesus out of us? Do we truly believe we need help in every possible aspect of our lives?

If our answer is yes to any of these previous questions, we are in deep sh*t.

Okay, I am kidding. But seriously, though—if you answered yes, you got some self-reflection to do.

And as Mama Odie says it in “The Princess and the Frog” (sorry not sorry, big Disney fan in here), “You gotta dig a little deeper, don’t have far to go, you gotta dig a little deeper, tell people mama told you so.”

After you ask yourself those few inquiries, it is time to kick it up a notch and get to the why. Get to the bottom of it.

Do I not love myself because I care too much about society?

Do I not love myself because I was bullied?

Do I not love myself because my parents never made me feel loved and always criticized my decisions and behaviors?

Do I not love myself because I was abandoned by a family member or a partner and felt unworthy?

Do I not love myself because I feel too different from those around me, and it feels uncomfortable?

Do I not love myself because I was abused, taken advantage of by my partner? 

After this painful encounter comes the work to actively love and take care of ourselves—love every little crooked detail, every character trait, every imperfection, every behavior, every quality. Practically everything about oneself.

After taking this hard-needed trip, it is time to consider choosing a partner or staying with one.

Here are five questions to ask ourselves when we choose who we choose in life:

1. Does this person appreciate every little detail about me and make me love myself even more?

2. Do they motivate me to stay true to myself but also always seek to reach better versions of me for my own benefit and not include theirs in the back of their minds?

3. Do I feel whole with and without them and want their presence in my life much more than I need it?

4. An important one: do they respect me and my opinions even after knowing all of me—good and bad?

5. Can I and they be completely free and comfortable in each other’s presence?

I know it is a lot of questions and self-mental exercises to be done, but I assure myself and each and every one of you reading that by applying all of the above, our personal choices for ourselves and our partner-picking will be significantly affected and changed according to what we deserve and are entitled to have in life.

We are all beautiful, unique beings on this Earth with one personality, one character, one fingerprint, one iris, and one view of life.

It is definitely essential to share this uniqueness with another human so we can take this life’s journey and turn it into a more beautiful experience—to enjoy every tiny, micro-sized, positive feeling and make it a bigger and better one.

And if we are single, let us embrace it, be happy, and do whatever things we never got to do because we were too busy hating ourselves for the feeling of being alone.

It is essential to be alone sometimes to sculpt ourselves into a more beautiful, refined, reshaped self. One we can face anything in life with—one we love and are comfortable with or without someone alongside it, someone complete and whole.


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