I stopped waiting for permission.
It just happened suddenly.
Or not so suddenly, as I’m currently in my 40s and it’s been a slow build the last decade to get to the point where OMG, I need no one’s permission to live my life.
To do me.
And it all started with a little cottage on a hill,
where one day there will be secret gardens,
but for now a delicious place that overlooks the sea
where I can sit all day and write.
And so I do.
I stopped asking permission to do what I love to do.
I stopped hiding it so I wouldn’t have to.
I started to own all the pieces of me I’ve let fly
fly away since childhood.
Since the four harsh walls of someone’s classroom told me to color within a set of lines.
Hmm, just hell no.
My strokes are meant to be big, bold, brash at times.
My words are meant to sucker punch you with the feels.
My tales are meant to engage your hidden spaces…
encourage you to think outside the box you say you hate yet are oh-so comfortable in.
Want to know how I know I’m no longer asking for permission to live my life?
To show up daily in utter joy?
It’s really two-fold.
First, I’m owning my nicknamed title, Snow White.
You know the Disney classic—a girl with dark, short hair in a blue dress. Forever in a forest, butterflies and birds a-twirl around her head.
All the little furred, hoofed, and pawed friends at loving attention.
While my hair is more Viking blonde and recently braided to one side, I do have blue overalls that fit my role as lover of all the little creatures.
See, I’ve all but started a farmette.
A French word for a petite farm that I just love.
So my little cottage is now totally The Farmette.
And I love it.
Rescuing all the little baby goats—some who make it, some who don’t. I’ve currently got nine and five girls still bottle feeding.
And just this weekend added two baby rabbits to the collection.
The week before an English Bulldog,
which at the time of me writing these words is still nameless.
Last month, a kitten who desperately needed a cheeseburger.
So here I am, a woman who values her freedom, her independence, collecting animals in need without asking the man in my life if it’s okay.
How will I travel?
How can I be free when tied down by all this…
Hmm, rescuing animals brings me so much joy…
And joy is my number one way of showing up in this life.
My default setting.
When I rev my engine first in joy, all flows freely, smoothly, perfectly.
When he says he wants me happy…
well, this too we shall see.
Which leads me to point two.
I’m calling the shots in my life.
I’m finally owning up to
what I need,
what I want
and if that doesn’t align with you or yours…
So be it.
Turn the station.
Even if that someone is my other half.
Because honestly, what does that mean?
My other half.
My better half.
We need to stop repeating this sh*t and I’ll start right now.
No one completes me, Jerry Maguire—but me!
I am no one’s half.
My ribs are my own.
And I stand rooted, firmly, lovingly me.
To know myself, to own my frequency does not make me a b*tch, as some might choose to see.
It means I have freedom
And the responsibility to own all the sh*t I do.
A choice to live my life as I desire.
Even if that means, he, you, another won’t like what I have to say or do.
See, I’ve done the people-pleasing route.
And lost myself in that mix,
feeling so not enough.
Can’t please them all.
No matter how hard one tries.
Believe me, it’s like beating yourself black and blue.
I’ve been the woman in the room,
studied behind a one-way mirror
as I put the puzzle pieces spread before me
Forever coming up short.
Never questioning the actual game.
Never doubting the puzzle itself.
Never believing for one moment it might actually be intentionally flawed.
Instead, forever casting self-blame.
That sh*t is tired, old, and done.
And that puzzle, the one never in question, was at fault all along.
The point of that there game.
The one where 99 percent of women do exactly what I have done my entire life.
Make it all about me.
Believe I was in the wrong.
Yet, when a man puts together that same puzzle, he does not sink into self-doubt. Time and time again, men got to the end and pushed back from the table declaring, “Something’s wrong with the puzzle.”
And never with he.
Well, in this case, I’m pulling up my big girl panties and tapping into my own testosterone.
My inner knowing of me.
My new belief that it’s damn skippy straight to live my life exactly how I please.
I’m living my f*cking life my way.
Do or die.
Because what else is there but regret?
And that’s a hard pass
What about you?
If you’re ready to live your own life and no longer seek permission outside yourself, let me know in a comment below.
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