Even though it has been almost a year and a half since my mom passed, I still have times that take me to my knees. The last four days were one of those times. Thankfully, I’m feeling more myself today.
During those times, I know to “be with it,” as crappy as that feels, because there is stuff to be looked at. The bottom line is I miss my mom like crazy—our daily 5 a.m. talks, her recipes that I did not get, the fact that she could make me laugh even in my darkest of moods, her laugh, and sharing all the goodness that is going on with the kids, my boyfriend, and I.
There were triggers that brought me to this place—there always are, but sometimes it’s harder to notice them. Sometimes they compile one after another and it’s time to say, “Oh boy, I guess I’m in full on grief again.” Not that it ever goes away, but there are moments of joy when I can be present in what I’m doing and have a good time, which was impossible right after she passed.
After three days sitting in grief, tons of crying, and doing a lot of inner work and processing, yesterday I facilitated some clearing work that helped tremendously. Then, my good friend suggested we go walking to get out of the house. I’m grateful for all the love in my life and for my good friends.
Being outside in nature and seeing the leaves, watching her dogs and others play in the dog park, and talking with her was healing. To top it off, an eagle flew above us and it almost felt like it was putting on a show, catching the wind and staying above for us to admire it for a good while before landing in a nearby tree. I’m entering the “East” in Shamanic training (the last of the directions in the medicine wheel), which is about the eagle ready to soar—the symbolism sure was not lost on me.
I’m so grateful to be feeling more centered today and wrote the below poem this morning. I wanted to share it and send much love to all those who have encountered or who are in grief. There are so many levels of grief and it just keeps coming, but self-care and honoring ourselves when we are in it is so important.
The Road to Recovery from Grief
The road to recovery from grief
is not nearly a straight path.
It is a crooked, slow progression—
the feelings of love, loss, and its aftermath.
We need to walk this path in our own time.
No one is the same, there is no recipe.
There will be times you need people around
and times you need everyone to let you be.
It is kindness to our heart that is needed.
Our heart aches and is deeply sore.
We have to come to terms with the loss
and the reality of seeing our loved one no more.
It helps to remind ourselves:
the depth of grief relates to the love we shared.
Our heart is wounded to its core.
We need to treat ourselves with extra care.
You can expect the unexpected;
thinking you might have made headway
but grief can suddenly grab you, leaving you breathless—
our logical self simply has “no say.”
It can help to remember the good times
your loved one opened you up to have.
Bringing those emotions, senses, and love to the surface
can feel like a much needed salve.
Grief is a struggle with our heart and mind,
but there is an illogical piece too.
We want things the way we were and struggle
often not wanting to face the “new.”
The world changes around us when we lose a loved one.
Things never quite look or feel the same,
but hopefully we can grow during this trying time,
honoring our loved one’s name.
We allowed ourselves to love so deeply
that love truly never does go away.
Our loved one would want us to get up
and happily live another day.
The road to recovery from grief
can feel more like a mountain we have to climb,
but with patience, gentleness, and love in our heart,
things can slowly get a little easier over time.