November 11, 2021

Why do we Keep Choosing to Numb Ourselves to Pleasure, Love & Intimacy?


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I was watching a series recently, and something struck me.

I’ve seen it a lot, as we all have. It was a scene that had a difficult conversation in it, in an office, and the first question asked was, “Would you like a drink?”

The same scene could have been in a home, but the point is there was a challenging conversation and before or after, we need a drink. Or a pill.

Now, I know it’s a movie, and there’s a level of fantasy in it. But there’s a reflection of what we do when things are emotionally difficult. We have a drink or we take a pill.

We numb ourselves so we don’t feel. It’s about disconnecting ourselves from our feelings, from our bodies, from sensation.

We’re taught, from the time we’re small, not to feel too much or too deeply. Or rather, we’re not taught to feel, to be with our emotions, to digest them, or to learn from them.

It’s a disconnect from the body.

It’s a disconnect from our hearts.

It takes us out of being present.

It takes us out of intimacy.

And it takes us out of the possibility of deep pleasure.

So much of what we do is about this disconnect. It’s about sanitizing our lives, our feelings, our love, our passion. It’s about neat little boxes with labels. And it’s about numbing ourselves—body, mind, and heart.

It’s hard to feel, it’s painful to feel, it’s intense to feel. We move it into the mind, we analyze it, dissect it, look for understanding and meaning instead of actually feeling it. And when we do this, it disconnects us from pleasure. From intimacy. From love.

Part of the illusion of love we’ve been given is happy endings, neat endings, everybody is happy with white picket fences, puppies, beaches, and sunsets. Without addressing what love and intimacy really are. Without addressing our anger and fear, our uncertainty and loneliness, our rejection and rage, our tears. Without revealing ourselves, all that we are, our deep desires, our shadows.

We’d rather numb it.

Our sex and pleasure become the same. Friction, hard, fast, come, squirt, ejaculate. Porn sex.

Porn is part of the numbing, the fantasy that takes us out of ourselves. And I’m about to say something that may be a little unpopular: vibrators are a part of that. As wonderful as some of them are, they numb your body and numb your clitoris.

Over time, I’ve worked with many women who have become addicted to that sensation, who can’t have orgasms any other way.

And when we’re looking for deeper pleasure, for deeper fulfillment, to have internal orgasms, we need to go into the body, into feelings, into sensation, to make that possible.

Connected to this, lingerie, fantasy outfits, a flogger, all the toys are not going to save your relationship. They may give you a little excitement—a thrill—but it’s not the deep desire, the fire that comes from within.

It’s fueled by what we’ve been told it should be—the story we’ve bought into—instead of what’s within us. Because it’s easier to watch it on a phone, on a computer, have a quick orgasm, or run the same fantasy in our heads when we’re with a partner.

It’s easier than sitting opposite one another and looking into each others’ eyes and actually seeing each other. Really seeing one another.

It’s easier than opening our hearts to the hurt. It’s easier than feeling—and feeling everything.

The more we numb ourselves to the so-called negative emotions, the more we numb ourselves to pleasure, to love, to intimacy.

Because…none of these things are isolated. They’re all connected, they’re all a part of us. The part of us who hurts is also the part of us who loves. The part of us who desires is also the part of us who’s scared to share. The part of us who yearns, longs for, craves with every cell, every part of our being, for intimacy is also the part of us who is so scared of that.

More and more, I see that the healing work we do is simply connecting with ourselves, feeling, and being present.

We create a space for something to move, to release. We find a different perspective, we see ourselves, others, life, and love differently. Inner eyes open as outward-looking eyes open.

We don’t do healing. We create an inner space and naturally, something moves. There’s an acceptance, a surrender—which is not a passive process; it’s being deeply engaged with ourselves.

It’s what’s inside of us waking up, finding space to stretch, and in the same way as when we’ve been sitting on our foot and it’s gone numb, there’s a moment of pain as that releases and blood flows again.

There is a path that guides us on this journey into ourselves. And maybe the depth of orgasm that I’m looking for is in the depth of my tears. And maybe the surrender in intimacy is the surrender to my fear.

All of it in this Divine me. This space of possibility. My vitality, my aliveness, my pleasure, my passion.


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