January 14, 2022

Codependency is Rooted in a Lack of Love.


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We cannot heal while trying to heal those who have wounded us.

This pattern is driven by an unconscious wish embedded deeply in the body that arises from a longing to receive the love we instinctively knew was possible, but was never there.

This wish drives us to stay in unhealthy situations, be drawn to the unavailable, fear available connection, or feel resistant to love when it comes our way.

The environment of love and care that we grow up in lays a blueprint in our nervous system for what love is, as well as what those energetic and emotional dynamics feel like in the body.

If we developed in an environment where emotional disconnection dominated, or there was a lack of recognition, attuned love, or not feeling seen, then the nervous system registered this on some level as a lack of safety while also needing something from our caregiver.

We learned to feel lack, be afraid of, long for, look for, or feel sadness in relationship to those we love the most.

Love becomes deeply, unconsciously, associated with this absence, longing, fear, or grief.

These experiences are activated in all our adult relationships, triggering the impulse to “love” the other via…healing, caretaking, people pleasing, over giving, denying our truth, an inability to say no, taking more than giving, using others to get needs met, lying about who we are, manipulation, or ignoring our needs by energetically matching the other person in hopes of working through a dynamic that is ultimately rooted in a systemic lack of love.

Here, love is a scarce resource we try to get through some kind of power or control.

This is codependency.

A relational field rooted in a lack of love.

All of our habits, defenses, and ways of trying to maneuver these relational waters stem from both the intergenerational transmission of trauma as a result of disconnection from love and also the cultural waters we feed off of 24/7 with everything we consume.

Our deepest longing is to be loved for who we are, to feel that the parts of us that never received love can be fed with nourishing waters of this kind of love.

Yet, we struggle with feeling separate from Love, from Nature, from the nourishing Mother and Father.

The internal divine child is a bit lost because as divine and glorious as they are, as much as this part of us carries our deepest medicine and most potent purpose to birth in the world, they have never been loved.

This divine child’s time is spent searching out the love of a divine mother or father in others, in matching the perceived expectations around us, and, likely, becoming energetically codependent on what we are matching, and feeding off the crumbs.

It’s such a collective loop that we personally find ourselves cycling in, over and over again.

The root of codependency is a lack of love that often grows into shame—what we experience on the surface in our lives.

Shame is social; it constellates in our physical form as the grief of not having been loved and the fear of not being loved.

This is wrapped up in our early associations with love, grief, and fear.

We energetically feel it as familiar and play it out as “love.”

We project the fears of a lack of love that has already come to pass onto the unknown, we project our wounds or the wounds of our early caretakers onto people around us, or we spin in mental stories taking inventories of others or perpetually trying to “heal” ourselves so we can finally get this thing—this love—we’ve been hungry for, for a long time.

This is a Chirotic point of initiation, from lovelessness back into love.

It’s difficult as we are relational; we are meant to heal in relationships, yet most relating is encoded with this energetic because we are disconnected from our true roots—Nature, the earth, the divine Mother and Father, and the real depths of Eros infused in every living thing around us.

We live in relationship with the natural world, with all of life around us.

We are meant to live in a balanced reciprocity with life around us.

It’s not about only taking, or only giving.

Love isn’t like this.

Our relationship with this field is undernourished.

One branch of healing this pattern is returning to our roots, to the earth, and repairing our relationship with our ancestors.

In ritual, there is a tremendous energy of healing available to restore the flow of Love we all deeply crave to experience in our lives. As we heal our relationship with our roots, we heal our relationship with ourselves and the Divine child is fed the proper nutrients needed for flourishing, for feeling welcomed, held, and seen by the larger world.

This begins to create safety in our nervous system as we regulate to the natural world and our true essence.

We begin to feel our faith restored that love is possible. There is a different contact point we can make with Spirit in our dream time that weaves magic back into our lives.

Our hearts open, we are able to grieve and cultivate conscious grief practices and ceremonies to release the grief and suffering connected to a lack of love. This release opens the channels for love to flow back into our lives and frees us from the loops of lovelessness our collective so desperately needs to heal from.

We become good with grief, which is a necessary capacity in the constant letting go into becoming that love asks of us. It gives us the resilience to leave when we need to, to walk in integrity with ourselves, and form our primary relationship with something greater than ourselves that fills our lives with greater love and possibilities.

Our boundaries, connections, and movements in relationship to the world around us becomes less effortful because we honor the higher order of love within us and start to walk in a deep integrity with love.

May this kind of Love be restored as our higher power—the projections taken back from wounded people and back onto the place where the ground of our greatest healing occurs.

More love.

Not less.


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