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Ever since I was an impressionable 19-year-old, I was preemptively terrified of marriage and divorce, after reading some of the alternative and brutally honest articles on Elephant Journal.
I was so torn about my feelings for this narrative. I thought perhaps it was just a bunch of cynical people who got unlucky with love, so they’re trying to scare the living crap out of the rest of us hopeful romantics. Come on, I can’t be the only one who felt this way, right?
Well, here we are now: almost 10 years later and now three years into marriage, and I think I can begin to understand where they were coming from. And I appreciate it.
Nothing beyond this moment is guaranteed. The fact that we believe we can live happily ever after with our one true love is a delusion.
Hang on, don’t leave yet.
I’m not saying that this won’t happen. Many people do live their lives with their one true love—some with a great amount of turbulence, some with a bit more ease. It can go any which way.
So, I want to share my new philosophy with you.
I used to be terrified at the thought of losing my husband. Perhaps, I should have been more terrified of losing myself.
Instead of pledging all my allegiance to my husband, I pledge my allegiance to myself.
Instead of thinking I need to put him first in fear of rejection, I will put myself first out of love.
The truth is, I don’t know if we’ll be married forever, but I do know this:
I know that we love each other right now. I know that we’ve faced and conquered challenges. I know that we’ve shared moments of intense joy and growth.
I know that we enjoy each other’s company. I know that we’re being brave and going on life-changing adventures together. I know that we’re doing our best. I know we’ll do our best—for as long as we can.
And that’s all that I can know.
And because of that, I can no longer be terrified of losing him—that comes from deep fear, not from boundless love. So, f*ck that.
I say yes to right now, to loving myself, and to loving him—right now.
The rest will be revealed, in due time.