I put my head in my hands in such deep regret.
Why did I just say that?
There’s no reversing what I’ve put out there. The damage is done, and yet, I only knew what I was doing wrong after I did it.
A haze takes over me, and all logic goes out the window. Emotions in full blaze, full swing, impulsive, and bound to be regretful.
I ask my partner questions, but I trust him. So why am I self-sabotaging my wonderful relationship with this wonderful man who has lost his patience?
I don’t blame him. I’m a pain in the ass.
I ask him questions that show insecurity: who took your profile picture at the party? Why are you messaging a female colleague outside of work, knowing she has a boyfriend? (And I have no reason to worry, but I keep bringing her up.)
Why am I saying these things? It’s immature.
The anxiety that churns my stomach when he says he’s going out with the guys or for work…I automatically hate it and run a movie in my head of the worst possible scenarios.
Why am I hurting myself?
I feel sorry for him. I hate it when I say these things, when I question him, when I am so jealous, and yet, I know afterward I’ll feel bad about what I said because I do trust him.
I’m mad at myself; I’m disappointed in myself because I’m ruining my relationship with these stupid thoughts that have no backbone to support them.
I always regret everything I say to him; I look crazy now, and I wish I had a time machine because I f*cked up badly—again.
In all my relationships, I push away the one I love with my trust issues—with my insecurities. This needs to stop because I’m starting to resent myself for my actions and losing my chance to be happy.
What am I doing? I need to wake the hell up.
First, I’m going to forgive myself.
I know this is not me. This is a piece of me, a piece of my childhood trauma that I’ve carried with me for far too long, and I need to cut it off.
I can’t be mad at myself for messing things up. I can’t be mad at myself for looking at my text messages half an hour later and wondering what the f*ck I was saying or thinking. I need to change—now.
It starts by knowing that this isn’t how things have to end.
I’m incredible, I forgive myself, and I’m human.
What’s done is done, and now I can only go forward.
Second, I need to catch myself in the moment when I feel I’m repeating my destructive pattern.
The moment the tingling anxiety bubbles up inside me and my adrenaline starts to take over me like some evil twin, I need to catch myself before I transform into a green-eyed monster.
I will do this by encouraging positive affirmations that I will keep on the notes in my phone. My reassurance is only a click away, and it will read, “You can trust him,” “Don’t listen to your anxiety or fear; it’s tricking you,” “There’s no one else but you, and he absolutely adores you.”
I’ll use my code word, “Bye Felicia,” to any negative comments in my mind and override them with positive, encouraging words.
The moment I respond to my negative thought with “Bye Felicia,” I know I’ve taken control back of my emotions.
Thank you negative thoughts that aren’t true. Thank you old and useless defense mechanism, but I don’t need you right now, nor your false protection—because I’m not in danger.
Journaling is brilliant. I will write my thoughts before I say something I’m going to regret. It gives me a chance to look back at what I wrote and see how I felt in that moment. I will realize that there was no truth in it and that my mind was playing tricks on me.
This time, when I feel the trigger, I’m going to flip the scenario. I’ll scream, “Not today! Because I’m loved and strong. Thank you, trigger, but I’m about to melt you down into a puddle of nothingness.”
We absolutely have the power to challenge ourselves and change the behaviours that no longer serve us, and it’s never too late.
Just realizing that you have some self-improvements to work on is a massive step that you should be proud of. That said, don’t let your jealousy or your mind play those tricks on you. Catch them while they occur and change them.
Don’t ruin your relationship because of a false belief—because of your anxiety that’s tricking you and causing you to feel fear…when there’s actually nothing to be scared about.
Take control of your life, and if this resonates with you, it’s not too late to change. You don’t have to be lonely and miserable in your relationships anymore because you are your own creator.
Work on creating the best and healthiest version of yourself.