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January 22, 2022

What To Do if You Have a Crush on Your Friend

Hollywood would have you think that there are only TWO options as to how to proceed, but I am here to let you know that there are in fact THREE!!

However, we will begin by examining Hollywood’s classic go-to options.

Hollywood Option #1:


They might like you back, and there are few things as wonderful as getting to have a romantic relationship with someone who you have an epic friendship with already. This is, after all, the stuff of legends!

(Check out this article for ideas about “how to tell your friend you have a crush on them”

But what if they don’t like you back?

This is a very real possibility, so make sure you check yourself first and that you’ve made agreements with yourself about how you are committed to showing up for the friendship after the vulnerability cat is out of the bag.

If they tell you they don’t feel the same, this would be the best moment to share with them that  you are ready and committed to show up and do the courageous, clumsy work of keeping the friendship robust and awesome even if it’s a little bit awkward for a while.


This particularly goes out to my dudes who are confessing crushes to a woman in their life.

If you are actually friends with this woman – and you weren’t just pretending to be friends with her because you were secretly trying to get something else out of her (either love or sex), then keep showing up as her friend.

If you’ve been misleading her and acting like a friend because you actually wanted more and you are just going to disappear on her now that you know she doesn’t feel the same, let’s save everybody the drama and you should consider taking your exit now.

You’re out of integrity and your intentions are pretty two-faced.

In fact, that is some pretty classic misogynistic objectification BS…

But you weren’t pretending to be friends, right? You’re actually friends with this person. You love who they are. You love having them in your life. You like being part of their support network and seeing them thrive and love receiving the same kind of care in return.

So now you get to keep being friends and maybe the quality of the friendship will even get the opportunity to deepen, because vulnerability has a knack for making that sort of thing happen.

Hollywood Option #2


I think this option is the dumbest, but it’s what Hollywood makes all it’s characters do, so let’s unpack it.

Hollywood would have us think that if we are attracted to a friend that we are powerless NOT to act on it and so the only other option is to cut this person out of our life forever!

This is a stupid, immature, FALSE binary.

Any desire you have to end an otherwise perfectly awesome friendship says more about your relationship to your own integrity.

So instead of losing out on this rad connection, this little article is coming to you as an invitation to turn your focus on your relationship with integrity.

What are the values you live by?

What are your agreements with yourself? And others?

What is your game plan for how you fulfill on those values and agreements?

And what is your game plan for when you mess up or make a mistakes and fall short? (Because it will happen, hey there you cute human!)

How do you know when you are out of integrity?

Who, in addition to yourself, holds you accountable?

If you have a healthy, developed relationship with your integrity and honor, you’ll never have to resort to Hollywood Option #2.

Now, onto the good stuff!

Theora’s Brilliant Option #3


One of my favorite things is having a crush on my friends… or being friends with someone I have a crush on.

I have LOTS of friends in my life who I have crushes on.

Like a lot.

People who have that je ne c’est quoi about them.

That inherent magnetism and sparkle.

That kinship that comes with an extra electricity and yum to it.

They light me up and I let them up just by getting to share space and care.

Why might I choose to opt to enjoy it rather than tell them?

Sometimes the crush isn’t big enough to inspire me to share it with that person.

Sometimes I’m just clear that they are a much better friend than they would be a partner.

Sometimes they seem like they could be an amazing partner but based on incompatibility of what we each want from romantic partnership (ie kids vs. no kids), it’s in the highest and best good for both of us not to explore that.

And so instead, I just enjoy the sparkle.

I look forward to when they text or call.

I look forward to seeing glimpses of their lives on social.

I love seeing them thrive and touch the world with that very essence that makes them so sparkly to me.

And yes, when they inevitably meet someone they are excited about romantically, I feel a little pang of disappointment that this isn’t that other alternate timeline when maybe we would have been a romantic match for each other.

But I cheer them on with genuine joy and excitement because the friendship is real and when a friendship is real we can’t help but love seeing our chosen people alive and adored by the right person for them.

What a shame it would be to relegate yourself to a world without friendships that sparkle, n’est-ce pas?

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