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January 5, 2022

Yes, I’m a Domestic Violence Survivor. No, I Don’t Need your Love to Save Me.

It’s not that I don’t see you—all the way down to your big heart and good intentions.

It’s not that I don’t find your advances charming and genuine.

Yes, I do see the white horse you rode in on.

With glitter in its mane, and you in rose-colored armor.

Yes, I remember the feeling of fingers in my hair. You’re right, I do miss it sometimes. The throes of passion. Sometimes. A little.

The hair on the back of my neck standing up; the feeling of warm breath on my skin.

Yes, I still have warm blood coursing through my veins. It’s still there.

It pumps through my heart in a different way now, though.

I remember the way the hair on the back of my neck stood up when I felt his hot breath and spit in my ear, whispering things he’d like to do to me that ended in me not breathing anymore.

The brain is a magical, but flawed, organ. It doesn’t know how to differentiate.

“Oh, this feeling again! Run.

It’s not time for me to unpack that just yet. It’s baggage meant for another chapter.

I understand that you could make it easier. I do.

I believe you when you say you’d give me the world.

But, you see, I have the world.

I know that you could give me insurmountable, unconditional love.

But, you see, I already have that love.

You say you’ll make me forget?

Oh, but you’ll also make me remember.

It’s nothing against you, and you’re remarkable for trying, dear white knight.

I already have the world, that love.

She’s two feet tall and she calls me “Momma.”

She keeps me on my toes, and she’s my main squeeze.

It’s not time for me to try to love again.

I already have love to grow—here.

There’s no time to see what else there is to find, right now.

I’ve only just found the great love of my life.

She was in the mirror the whole time, and she’s on a mission.

You see, there’s no lesson for a little girl in watching a man rebuild what another man destroyed.

No, she’s watching me do that.

So, yes, I see the beautiful white horse that you rode in on. It suits you so well and is as handsome as you are.

But, you see, I have a white horse of my own.

And we have someplace important to be.
~

“If you were born with the weakness to fall, you were born with the strength to rise.” ~ Rupi Kaur

~

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