I don’t know if it’s an age thing, but these days, the most important part of “good sex” for me is not the physical pleasure, but the sense that I’m expressing and strengthening an emotional connection to my partner (and to the “universe” at the same time).
Sex has become an expression of my general orientation to the world, which I try to make one of generosity, energy, and celebration; making love in my heart with everyone I meet and with everything I see and do, rather than it only being a hidden activity in a darkened room with another person who is (hopefully) giving me what I want.
I’ve come to realise that “good sex” can consist of three possible elements: the purely physical, the emotional, and the spiritual. Each one is perfectly fine in its own right and is a wonderful thing to enjoy and share as long as both people involved have the same idea about what is actually happening.
When I was a young man, it was accepted, if rather shameful in hindsight, to manipulate a girl into having a purely physical encounter by suggesting or promising a range of feelings about her that weren’t really there. These days, I feel the sexual playing field is a lot more level, or even tilted the other way—with men sometimes looking for a relationship with a partner who just wants a good time.
In any case, it’s certainly true that the appeal of the purely physical does wane with the passage of time—with any partner—and the emotional takes on more importance. But it’s important not to conflate the two. In my mind, at least, it’s possible for myself or my partner to have a one-night stand without it feeling like a betrayal in any way of our close emotional connection.
It’s this third spiritual dimension that is still relatively new for me, but which I’m becoming convinced is the most important part of all. My sense is that when I’m connecting in the most intimate way with my partner, I’m also connecting with the female spirit in her, and through that to a more infinite sense of the spirit that is behind everything that happens in this world.
Using my body to connect with someone else in this spiritual way has become an end in itself, rather than a by-product of a physically pleasurable but fairly transient sexual experience. In fact, the thought of having physical closeness without the emotional and spiritual connection now feels quite empty and unappealing. I don’t know whether this is part of a hormonal decline on my part, but in any case, I welcome it—because I feel I’ve got my priorities right. I’d rather have an inspiring encounter and no sex than the other way around.
The pleasure I get from being in nature now feels like a more diluted but equally significant expression of the same magical connection with the spiritual dimension of life that I now feel during an orgasm. And by approaching everything I do and see—and everyone I interact with—as an opportunity to connect in some way with the sensual energy that’s always inside me, my daily experiences and my sexual experiences both become deeper as a result.
Each one strengthens and intensifies the other, so that when my partner and I are in bed together (or anywhere else where we may feel like making love), everything we are doing feels connected to—and an expression of—the life energy that is inside and all around us, intensifying the deep joining that I feel with her.
When I feel connected with my partner—and at the same time with “heart of the matter”—making love becomes an expression of deep belonging with the mysteries of life itself, and there are few experiences more powerful than that.
Our bodies are a glorious physical expression of the sexual polarity, attraction, and interaction that we experience as individuals, and at the same time of the deep connectivity we have with the very source of life itself.
It’s like taking a rocket into my inner space. In fact, I think Messrs. Bezos and Musk have got things backward with their interplanetary adventures. Some of the most interesting things we can discover are not millions of miles away, but in our own inner galaxies—and once we become more attuned to that way of seeing ourselves, they’re there for us to find and marvel at whenever we want, without it costing a penny.