8.3
February 23, 2022

Why Finding “The One” is a Downright Lie we need to Let Go of.

I fell in love this summer.

Just days after I met him, I told my sister “I met the man I’m going to marry.” I was smitten.

She rolled her eyes and laughed it off because I always say that. (I do.) I fall in lust easily—and I also like to dream. In most of the love stories I’ve heard, it seems the two always “just knew” and I’ve created a craving to “just know” ever since. And sometimes, I force it.

But the truth is, I don’t know. And maybe that’s the knowing itself. But what I do know is that, sometimes, my heart feels like it’s going to explode when I open my eyes in the morning and I see him. And what I do know is that all I have is now, and right now, he’s the sweetest damn peach I’ve ever tasted.

And I like to believe that what I do know is much more important than what I don’t—because, well, it is. And I also like to believe that my craving to “just know” comes from the fact that I’ve been brainwashed into believing in “the one”—because, well, I have. (I blame Disney.)

But believing in finding the one is a fable—and one that many of us need to let go of because it’s sabotaging our relationships. It creates an unrealistic belief that, somehow, building a relationship doesn’t take work or time, but simply a lustful glance and a magic touch. If only it were that easy.

Although I don’t believe in finding the one, I do believe in creating the one—at the moment. Because relationships are not found, they’re made—with hard f*cking work, time, communication, setting boundaries, and unconditional love. But not all relationships are meant to last and maybe we’re not supposed to only have one “one” in our lifetime—ironically.

Because there’s a difference between creating the one right now and finding the one forever. Forever is a fib. It’s a concept we’ve made up to soothe our anxious souls from the uncertainty of literally everything. There is no such thing as forever and the more we believe in needing to find the one forever, the less likely we’ll be able to recognize the beauty of what we have now. And the more we believe in finding the one forever, the less patience we’ll have to put in the work to create the one right now.

And right now, I know for sure I’m with the one. But I didn’t actually feel this way days after we met. It took months to see fully into each other’s hearts and open ourselves in ways we never thought we could do—together.

But I also know we both have big dreams and loud hearts we need to listen to. And it’ll likely separate us. And it’ll hurt (it already hurts), but that’s okay because that’s not now. It doesn’t need to hurt yet…but it does because it’s impossible not to feel. But the love trumps the pain. Love always trumps pain.

And that’s why I’ll always continue to choose love—again and again…and again. And I’ve given up on finding the one, because, well, I’ve created it for myself right now and I know I’ll be able to create it again if I need to.

Believing that there is only one person out there for the rest of our lives is incredibly limiting. And believing that it’s something we need to search for comes from a mindset of lack and the idea that true love isn’t all around us already—or the basis of who we are.

We are love. Love is not something we look for and “the one” is not someone we search for because there’s an infinite amount of love within us and we always have the power to create the connection we crave.

It’s not easy. And it sure as hell doesn’t happen by sliding on a magic slipper, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t any magic involved. It’s all magic.

We just have to believe in now. This moment. Right here. Because now is all there is and all the relationships we have now are “the ones.”

 

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