I was thinking about abuse and my trauma and what is changing as I am healing.
The first things I often notice are in the places that once held fear, but there is love there now.
What do I mean by this?
When the abuse first happened, I did not understand it was abuse. I thought I deserved being hit, and I thought the words I was saying were wrong.
Walking on eggshells and surviving became the new normal, and anxiety and depression made it seem that I was just predisposed to have them.
However, as I am healing and working on growing and feeling me, I am realising none of this is normal.
Some of the things I thought was normal:
I did not know how to choose what meal I liked.
I did not know how to shop for clothes and what clothes I liked.
I did not know my favorite color.
I did not know how to say yes or no for fear of being wrong.
I did not feel smart enough to hold a conversation.
I would look to others to see if my words made sense.
I would slowly say my words, testing the waters to see what reaction might occur, and I would amend as soon as I noticed changes in people from light to dark disposition.
I would always feel the need to say sorry.
I would always feel that I was wrong when someone did not respond, was not happy, or disagreed with me.
I always felt someone else’s struggle was because of me or I needed to fix it.
I would always feel not worthy and not smart enough and remind myself that I truly wasn’t.
I would always feel like I could breathe when they left the room, but when they came home, I felt like I had lost my breath and energy.
I always felt exhausted and not alive.
I always felt apologetic for my enthusiasm or happy emotions and tended to keep them in check.
I always felt bad for being sensitive and having emotions in general ,so I tried not to show them.
One of the things that is changing is that I am realising that these feelings and experiences were not normal all the time.
Sure, some people do not know their favorite color and food, but every day, never being able to know anything you loved or say anything you were sure of because you thought you were wrong was not.
I personally still do not have the answers for all these things yet, like my favorite food or color. I am still working on not feeling like I need to apologise and that I am always inferior. However, I now do believe in my word more, and my anxiety and depression have improved immensely as the abuse stopped.
What I want you to know is that you are not alone, and it is also okay to still feel it all. There is no quick fix, and there is no right or wrong way to heal. However, in a world of “fix your life,” here are the answers:
Please remember there are plenty of people experiencing life and taking one step at a time, getting better slowly, and some days are harder than others. But the most important thing is that those hard days will come less often, and the good days will multiply.
That some answers and solutions are not as readily available as others but there are answers, solutions, and paths that you are taking that can help you create and feel the love instead of fear more often.
If this is the case, my friend, know you are healing and I am healing with you one step at a time.
And you are doing great, my love.