March 31, 2022

Pain from Loving an Adulterous Man.


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It does get easier…

The pain of loving an adulterous man.

Less doubting my own worth,
more pointing blame,
where it rightfully sits.
The lies, you carry.
The pain, sits within you.
You can’t Jesus your way out,
Or preach Bible verses,
to escape it.
Or pretend to be something,
that you are not, and never will be.
The fake, smiling family photos,
don’t hide all the pain, you caused.

Why do I let you take up space,
I don’t really, not anymore, anyway.
But when a memory creeps in,
I allow it to dissipate,
on to another plane or place.

My life is guilt-free.
I played a role, in your game.
Trusted, the lies I was told.
The problem for you is,
I was everything,
I said I was.
You walked away.
Hard as it was, I let you.
I tried to move on.
But your game was strong.

You crept back in,
little by little,
gaining momentum.
Planting your seed of,

Hoping to spark,
that brush pile, up again.
You made that first move, again.
Professed your feelings, again.
Engaged those feelings, again.
Played on my weak spot.
Knowing I would never,
turn my back on you,
as you did, on me.
So I listened,
encouraged strength,
to only do what is best for you.

Your desire to see me,
was greater, than my resistance,
to run to you, again.
I was patient.
I didn’t run on emotion,
it was on my terms,
to ever have me in any capacity,
there must be no one else.
No more broken promises.
No ultimatums,
only complete dissolved action.
Standing my ground,
as my heart was breaking, again.
I was patient.
I was there for a friend,
as I would be for any.

But my inside voice, knew.
My intuition, knew.
My heart, knew.
I would never fight for anything,
that wasn’t mine to fight for.
The decision wasn’t mine to make.

I changed.
I got stronger.
I did it all alone.
I didn’t have someone else,
to fall back on,
to go running to,
to use,
until I got stronger,
like you did.

I gained momentum.
I saw my worth,
and what I could offer,
to someone willing,
to give all of themselves,
and not put out crumbs.

I don’t post here,
to create a fake persona.
I don’t create an illusion,
that all is beauty and roses.

Although, life now is beautiful.
Filled with love from people that matter.

I post raw, emotion.
Real, emotion.
Truthful, emotion.
Painful, emotion.
Not just for me, but for those struggling alone, as well.
Having made the same life mistakes,
as I have.
Difference is,
I’ve learned from those lessons.

One does not have to dissolve something, in order to feel differently.
One does not have to pretend to hate,
to try to forget.

I choose,
to continue on, with love.
The love that was the purest, I ever felt.

Regardless of the circumstances, in which it presented itself.

I do not have room for hate.
I only have room for healing.
You can wipe out all our memories,
if it makes it hurt less.
Block me,
from your social view.
But you cannot medicate me away.
You cannot wash me away,
with alcohol,
will me away with drugs,
or preach me away, with the word of the gospel.

If you aren’t being true to oneself,
you will never, rest easy.

And for that, I will continue to love and pray, you into peace.

So now I sit,
and patiently wait…
The healing is over.
The pain of yesterday is diminished.
I wait,
for someone,
to see my worth.
To take a chance,
to make a fresh start.
To choose me,
100% of the time,
every second, of every day.
For ever.

I deserve that much.


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