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April 15, 2022

I am fine

“She goes through the day, sifting through her struggles, but if you ask her she says- ‘I am fine’.

She wakes up each morning and runs her hands across her belly just to be sure that it wasn’t all a dream, but if you ask her she says- ‘I am fine’.

She logs in on her laptop, does her work well but she avoids that one feeling she is running from for a while, but if you ask her she says- ‘I am fine’.

She is there for everyone and plays her role extremely well despite wanting to not be present at all, but if you ask her she says-‘I am fine’. ”

The blanket response to the most asked question of “how are you doing?”

Is always,

I am fine.

For me personally this response has meant so much in so many different scenarios.

It has been a saviour in times I didn’t want to share the real picture with anyone.

It has been the mantra I use to make myself motivated and positive.

It has been a lie I tell myself often.

Times I felt not fine are the actual moments I needed to address the feeling I have that screams and tells me that I need to stop and look at what’s not fine in me.

The magic trick of making myself believe I am fine has been an age old tradition of mine.

As an overweight child and teenager I would always say to anyone that asked how I am , that I am fine. When in reality I felt through the emotions by eating everything and anything I could get my hands on all the while telling myself that I am fine. That once I have eaten 4 cupcakes I will feel happy. That never happened. But I was always fine.

As an unhappy adult in my 20s , for a lot of reasons that life weighed heavily on me, I would always say I am fine but would eventually hide behind spending sprees on shopping and adventurous outings , somehow it never made me feel better.

After years I realised that I couldn’t run from my feelings and manipulate myself into feeling something else.

I had to sit with it and acknowledge it.

Turning 30 made me see so much I wasn’t seeing earlier.

The 365 days that to my 30th birthday were laden with unlearning my own pride that stopped me from acknowledging whatever I felt.

I stopped telling myself I am too good for anything that is lacking in my life.

I stopped questioning the universe.

I stopped being bitter.

I stopped expecting others to show up for me instead I did that myself.

Instead I sat down with my feelings each day, sorting through whatever I felt so that I could move on.

One of the most powerful sentences is “I am not fine but I will be”.

And the day I acknowledged that was when I started feeling genuinely fine, no escape needed.

And that truly is the definition of I am fine.

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