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Sometimes, I feel like a walking contradiction.
I give advice that’s hard for me to take. I see others in a light I can’t see myself in. My feelings and thoughts are polar opposites fighting for my attention. I act in ways that I don’t believe in. I speak words that I don’t like. And I encourage others in ways that I beat down when it comes to me.
Maybe it’s the Gemini in me. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m the one who notices the separation between thought and soul.
In the middle of my self-loathing, I declared that my tears were evidence that I actually do love myself.
I took a moment to be confused and then I let the unfamiliar voice get louder and louder until I literally cried it into vocal existence.
I love myself. I. Love. My. Self. I love myself!
I could tell you a million things I don’t love about myself. I could show you scars that prove it. This can’t be true, I thought.
My brain was rapidly trying to comprehend this soulful cry out loud until I landed upon a reason—something to make sense of this evening’s version of messy.
Eckhart Tolle said something, that was so profound to me, I could never forget it. In The Power of Now, he said:
“Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the ‘I’ and the ‘self’ that ‘I’ cannot live with. ‘Maybe,’ I thought, ‘only one of them is real.'”
I realized in those few minutes, that I, as the watcher, was in so much pain, because I love myself and I don’t want myself to be hurt.
I’m sad because who I’ve been is not coming from the core of me. When I’m not recognizing my worth, judging myself, despising myself, telling myself everything I do is wrong, comparing my new self to my old self, to my older self, or to everyone around me, my conditioned beliefs are running the show.
Everything that I didn’t like about myself was my broken ego stomping my spirit to the ground. And it hurt!
I love myself too much to be convinced by the thoughts that tell me to give up. I love myself too much to listen to my inner bully. I love myself too much to believe that I’m worth anything less than I desire. And I realized that that’s what my pain was telling me.
Like a child, crying out, “Why are you doing this to me? Please stop!“—the soul inside of me doesn’t like what I have been saying to it. I was in pain because I was not showing myself love, and I don’t like it.
Once I let this realization set in, I was ready to receive my next spirit message. I spoke the following words into vibrational existence. I announced out text, to hold myself accountable. I wrote them and reread them over and over to solidify my devotion to my loving intention: to stop breaking my own heart and raise my vibration to that within me, that which loves me enough to point out where it hurts and to step away.
“No more comparison, it is the thief of joy.
No more insults to my lack of abilities.
No more jabs at my human form.
No more laying down and taking hits.
No more pressuring, complaining, judging.
More appreciating, loving, and enjoying.
More grace. More space.
Self-love begins, again.