Being too aware of the mind. Too aware of life. So aware of living. Like my mind, body and soul are not connected at times. Also known as Autonomic Consciousness Autonoesis  – like a conscious awareness. But I just call it anxiety.

I’ll never understand the human mind, why it was set out to destroy its own being. But technically, we are supposed to own our minds. However, mine seems to own me. I want so badly to create my own heaven for my thoughts, but it’s more like lighting the flames of my own personal hell.  And every moment the feeling of comfort hits me, I know it won’t last long. So, I try not to dwell so much on it because I know in the end I’ll just be disappointed.

It’s not easy to understand for ones with a healthy mind, it’s not their fault they get to live in bliss. I envy them so much I would almost say I am resentful. Sitting in silence is a relief for them. While for me, and many others like me, it is destruction.

Silent but deadly. What a way to describe it. Especially when they all come out to play. “The conspirators” I like to call them. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADD, ADHD,etc..  They cancel each other out, but at the same time, make each other stronger. There is nothing you’re able to do but to sit and suffer in silence when they all decide to go to war in your mind. Plotting and conspiring images in my head, that make it hard to breathe. Crazy thing being, the images, most of the time are not even real.