May 30, 2022

The One Thing that’s Sabotaging our Sex Life. {Adult}

I had some deep and serious stuff to share with you today, then I had a conversation with someone yesterday that changed it.

Here’s what it brought to mind.

We take sex seriously, even in the world of Neo-Tantra and Conscious Sexuality.

We have to breathe in the right way, we have to be in the right positions, we have to make the right noises, we have to move the energy, we have to have many orgasms, or none.

We have to do it right.

Then beyond that, when we have sex, particularly goal-oriented orgasm sex, or porn-style sex, we have all these boxes to tick, all these things that we’re supposed to do, all these fantasies we’re supposed to act out.

We read so many articles on how many times a week we’re supposed to be having sex.

We read about all the kinds of orgasms we should be having, squirting, not ejaculating—all the kinks and fetishes we should be exploring.

And lots of that is great; I love it, and I teach it.

But there’s something else. We forget that it’s fun, that it’s one of the ways we, as adults, play.

And when we start having sex, explore our bodies—each other’s bodies—it’s fun and exciting, but we need to make sure it stays that way.

It’s play, in so many ways. And as with so many other things in Conscious Sexuality, it’s connected to all of life. When sex is fun, when it’s play, we don’t get bored.

And boredom is one of the biggest issues in long-term relationships.

The fun is one of the things that keeps the fire in a relationship. It keeps us interested in each other, in ourselves. It keeps us creative, and this is so important. We live in patterns, and sexually, maybe, more so than other aspects of life.

The patterns keep us doing the same thing, in the same way. “Sexually” means we do what we do, we do what we think works, we do what we know. And often it’s the same way all the time.

When we start playing more, so much changes in the way we have sex.

It’s important to understand that our sexuality is an expression of who we are, what’s within us.

The more aspects of ourselves we allow out, the more fun we can have, the more we can play.

And to do this we have to get over our serious selves. We have to get over judging, rating, comparing our experiences.

We have to get out of orgasms being everything.

We have to get out of performing.

We have to be willing to be silly, to make noise, to make faces.

We have to be willing for things not to work.

We have to be willing to let go of how we think we look.

We have to be willing to role-play.

We have to be willing to roll around on the floor, have pillow fights, smear food on ourselves, get dirty and messy.

We have to be willing to laugh at ourselves.

And here’s something that’s really important: Play is one of the things that creates intimacy, that deepens the connection between us.

Play is one of the ways we reveal ourselves.

Play is one of the ways we show who we are.

Play is the space we explore ourselves.

Play is the space we meet our partner in so many ways.

Play is the space we can relax into, drop the masks, the armour.

Play is the space for us to be, and from there, sex flows in so many surprising, exciting ways.

All the other stuff—the ritual, the breathing, the spiritual stuff—is important. It touches deep places within us and goes to the depths and heights; we need it.

Those experiences also allow other parts of ourselves to be expressed and experienced.

There’s a greater wholeness in this, in ourselves. They’re all important. Let’s not forget any of them.

And often, the seeds of the deeper aspects are in the fun. And the deeper we go, the lighter we can be.

The possibilities are limitless.



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