July 6, 2022

A Letter to my Lover—from a Menopausal Woman.

menopausal woman

It’s not you; it’s me.

I know I rarely initiate making love now. I’m sad that I’m just not feeling like it. I still find you gorgeous and desirable. My desire for sex though seems to have gone missing in action.

If you’re disappointed, believe that I am more so. It seems that my estrogen and androgen hormone levels are dropping, which is decreasing my libido; it’s not disinterest in you. I’m conscious of it, and I’m trying to keep the fire alive. In fact, the more we maintain our sex life, the better it will be.

Please, just give me a little more time to warm up and get in the mood.

It’s not you; it’s me.

When we do make love, I don’t get as wet as I used to. What you do turns me on. I love it, and I’m just as surprised to find the lubrication isn’t there. You’re not doing anything wrong, and I’m not faking being into it. Again, it’s the dropping estrogen. It does make me a little anxious; I guess it’s a bit of a performance anxiety like a man not getting an erection. This anxiety doesn’t help my desire to make love either, so maybe we just need to have lube handy now.

It’s not you; it’s me.

It’s a little harder to feel sexy right now. My skin has less collagen now and is showing signs of aging, particularly my face, neck and décolletage. Sometimes, I worry when I’m on top that all you can see are the new wrinkles and will be turned off.

Then there is that little bit of extra weight that seems to have just appeared while I was still doing all the same things. I know that it is my insecurity, and I’m working on it. Please help me get out of it though; help me feel good in my skin.

It’s not you; it’s me.

As I shift from my fertile and nurturing cycle, I may seem to be less generous or giving to you. My energy and focus are not so much outward to those around me. Now, I can bring my energy inward for myself. I still care for you deeply. I still want to do things for you, and at the same time, my focus is now more about what makes me happy. Understand that you are part of what makes me happy, and you won’t be neglected. You will find me reclaiming other aspects of myself that may have been neglected along the way. Enjoy getting to know me again.

It’s not you; it’s me.

I’m not suddenly uncomfortable or unhappy sleeping next to you. I’m just having trouble sleeping. It’s the estrogen levels not firing the sleep centre in my brain. It’s not anything you are doing, and I’m not getting up at night to avoid you. When I wake at 3 a.m. and can’t get back to sleep, I figure I may as well get up and read or something. I’m trying not to disturb your sleep either.

If we can create a bit of a routine around going to bed, it might help. It’s as simple as turning all bright lights off and switching to lamps, turning off the screens a couple of hours earlier, little things to help signal the body its sleep time. You might even get better sleep yourself.

It’s not you; it’s me.

When I move away from your cuddles at night, I’m not moving away from you. I’m suddenly incredibly hot and sweaty, and I need more air and space to cool down. I still love and crave your hugs. Sometimes, the timing is off, and I just can’t handle the heat. Again, it’s the dropping estrogen in the brain, this time messing with my internal thermostat and suddenly changing my body temperature. It will pass pretty quickly, and we can snuggle in again.

It’s not you; it’s societal expectations.

In our youth-obsessed culture, the symptoms are actually made worse than if this transition was celebrated. I’m working on my conditioning so I can appreciate this shift rather than dread it. I’d like you to check your ideas as well. The better I feel about the change the less I will experience those symptoms.

It may not be you; it may be me, but you’re on this ride with me.

Remember it is a transition, a temporary phase. Even if it possibly lasts a few years, it will end. At the other end, we will be completely free of birth control questions and period issues. My feelings for you, my attraction to you have not changed. I am simply becoming more myself, evolving into the wiser (hopefully) version of me.

We’ll laugh and find new ways to be intimate and appreciate each other. We can explore new ways to stay healthy, eat well, and exercise because while it’s more obvious for me right now, you’re aging too, and we can choose how well we do it.


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