I spent too many hours, days, weeks, months and even years mourning the loss of something that clearly had to end in order for me to become the person that I am today, right this moment.
Everyone told me, you will thank her, you will see this as a gift. I remember thinking F YOU! A gift? This is clearly torture. I don’t eat, or sleep. I am missing moments of my life I will never get back. I cry 24/7 and can’t leave the house despite desperately needing to escape.
I had zero concept that one day, years down the road, I would feel exactly as that person described….
I spent many years desperately seeking answers by researching and of course writing about Narcissism. It was my obsession. Why? because it took years of my life from me. It altered my brain and my reality. It broke me, shattering me into so many little fragmented pieces I didn’t even know me anymore and I never envisioned putting all those pieces back together and actually becoming stronger.
I no longer write about the N word and I refuse to research it anymore. Its an endless trap of living in your trauma if you don’t stop. So I learned all I needed to learn and I let go of the “need to understand”. I already understood all that I needed to. It was no longer going to own me.
So I did all that a person can do, and then some. Ultimately, over time, I became the woman I have always wanted to be and the best part, I did it by myself. I didn’t immerse myself in another relationship to fill those gaping, deep and painful voids. I filled them myself. I didn’t run away from the pain and bury it in something that would help me escape, just the opposite, I ran to them.
I simply, sat in my shit and felt what I needed to feel to be able to process and move on.
Since surviving the N word and healing from my trauma, I was blessed to find out through a simple DNA test I was doing for fun, that my father isn’t my real father.
Yay, more fun to be had processing this shit.
I believe that in order for me to find out the truth, I had to be completely broken open and healed from my childhood trauma, the N abuse from my ex husband and all the bad decisions I have had to forgive myself for.
Once I became the stronger version of myself, I was presented this pretty little gift.
Don’t get me wrong, I did have a pity party at first. Which I simply allowed myself to have. I felt like dying might have been the best option at that point. I mean, what was the point of this life anymore. I had a shitty abusive childhood, 2 bad marriages, and now this? How much can one little lady take?
Apparently, A LOT!
I have made the conscious decision that I won’t let this stop me, its simply just another one of my life’s little stories as I walk upon my journey of being the best me I can be.
I did ask the other day while I was doing yoga, what am I supposed to do with this information.
The answer was so clear…..forgive.