Do you remember when you heard the news of a friend/classmate losing their parent back in school?

Do you remember feeling awkward as fuck, and found it safer to stay away and let your friend take her time?

But you never really ever understood.

As days passed by, your friend re-joined school and did not gloom over it, or even turn into a zombie. Your friend seemed stronger even.

And you thought, okay she is fine now. It’s back to normal.

Well.

You never ask for it, let alone dream of it.

And even if you see such a dream, you pray for no one to experience it.

Until. Until you do.

While you breathe through all sources of oxygen, you watch the person who gave you life withering away like the autumn leaves, ready to be sucked in by the remains of what’s left on this Earth.

And when you get to experience pain;

Which cannot be

Described ever.

Understood never.

Empathised never, ever.

But felt day in and day out, tearing every thread that makes your body, destroying everything you’ve learned about life, especially about yourself.

Day by day, you forget.

You forget the life you had, the person you were, the emotions you felt.

You forget what it was like when your life was whole, without the constant need to understand everything, on your own.

Some days feel very tough, so tough that you feel like giving up.

You think about the point of it all,

Especially when years wave goodbye, and you get engrossed in the mess called life.

And completely forget.

What life would’ve been, if only she was alive?

How easy it would’ve felt, to give her a call and ask her,

‘Was I wrong or right?’

With every birthday, while you learn the art of losing friends;

When you get used to a certain mind trend, and just cannot understand the meaning of the myriad changes happening inside you.

You wonder.

What life would’ve been?

If you lose your father, you think about how he lived through so much, without uttering as much as a scream.

If you lose your mother, you get desperate to hear her voice;

You can do anything in the world to meet her again, just one last time to really ask her about Life.

About what she did when Life became a torrent of stones, times when her mind started turning into an adult who obsesses too much and believes too little.

You wonder and wonder.

About all the answers they would’ve given you, of the countless thoughts running inside your head.

You wonder if you are growing into a good person, or just being an average douche because she is just not there to tell that to you, ever, ever again.

So, you continue to think and think and think till your brain bursts and your blood pressure sinks so low, you constantly feel like you’d fall flat on the ground. Till the stress lines show on your face, and people wonder why you don’t chill anymore.

People think that with time the memory fades, making the pain fade as fast.

If only they could step into your shoes and feel what it’s like.

If they could live all the seasons you’ve passed and pretend to smile across their tears and shrug it as something trivial, which happens to everyone.

Fine. It happens to everyone. But if it ever happens to you, you’ll not know what the fuck to do.

Would they ever see the tears streaming down your cheeks listening to love songs, not for your past lovers, but…well.

The times you used to sit in your car’s backseat and see the most romantic story stream before your eyes whenever you went home.

Would they ever feel the constant pain you feel, the pain of being lost so frequently? It’s not even funny anymore.

The level of anxiety and breathlessness which fills you up as soon as they talk about their parent in front of you, and how your feet curl up and your eyes blink a million times thinking of how she would look like if she was still alive?

Would anyone ever get it? But why do you want them to get it, everyone is busy sorting messes in their present heads…

A past makes no sense, and by the time you’ll get the courage to speak about it; it’ll be shrugged off by talk of the present. Maybe they assume you’ll feel better if the conversation changed.

But after so many years of shoving your emotions in the closet, you really don’t want to shut up when the emotions stir up to a brim that cannot be simmered down. You really need to let it out.

You want them to let you burst, let you howl because that doesn’t come too easily to you.

As you’re so used to bottling it all up.

Since the first day, since the goddamn day, which changed your life. The first time you heard your father cry, and heard….heard the unbelievable had befallen your life.

Since…

Since you lost her..forever.

Life becomes tiring and very hard to understand after facing pain like this.

It took you so long to understand this loss, to move on, to really laugh freely again, to care again, to share again.

But, many times people won’t get it.

Just the way they would treat the past, they would treat your loss as something you’ve come out of.

They will never know that it’s never going to end, you’re always going to feel empty, disoriented, grumpy, lost, and pathetic to no end.

Things that did not bother you will bother you to no end.

But soon you’ll realize, that all you wanted since the beginning.

Were many nights of howling and completely shunning societal life, to not feel the bitter pain that visits your face as soon as the clock strikes one full year, yet again.