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August 14, 2022

Hard Is Not The Only Way

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.

I started this piece in a way that I’ve started many similar pieces.

I work with a lot of men who struggle with early ejaculation and erection problems.’

I stopped, looked at the words, and some interesting things came to awareness.

The first awareness was the word struggle.

I’ve used it lots, and realize the limitation of the word. The contraction and resistance.

There’s a deep link between language and reality. And there’s a deep link between our inner and outer worlds.

And when it comes to healing, when there’s a struggle, when there’s something to overcome, especially in this context, it creates hardness and resistance.

We struggle.

The second awareness is this, something I’ve been sharing a lot recently.

In all of these issues, all of these problems, there are gifts and possibilities.

It takes quite a perceptual shift to think like that, and to find the gifts.

Especially when it comes to male sexuality and sexual healing.

Because so much of this has come to be defined by hard, driving, thrusting, pushing, penetrating, taking.


Where hard has become a definition, a standard, rather than a quality.

Linked to hard is control.

Which, in the way it’s expressed in so much of male sexuality is actually blocked, rather than flowing.

There can be amazing control in flow, and for many men the goal is to keep the energy locked in the pelvis. Tightly.

Some of what I’ve learned in helping men explore their sexuality, which is a very different approach to ‘fixing a problem’, is this.

We heal more through softening than hardening.

More through surrender than struggle.

More through finding a wider perspective and exploring the possibilities.

And we heal in a way that’s lasting, not a quick fix, not just looking at the symptoms.

We heal in a way that’s in the context of the connection of our bodies, hearts and minds.

We heal in a way that expands us into a deeper, fuller, richer experience of pleasure.

We understand that the goal, which most of us have sex for, is but one experience.

We learn about presence, we learn about intimacy, we learn about what can be, how much, can be present in an experience.

We learn what our partner’s really want.

And we unlearn the patterning and conditioning of what the media, including porn, has told us how we should be as sexual men.

We learn to dance in the moment, with what is.

We learn how our sexuality is not in a vacuum, how it’s connected to so many other aspects of life, and how much plays out in our sexuality that is not about sex.

We learn about breath and energy.

And in this we begin to see the gifts of ‘the problem.’

Because without this so many of us men would never have walked a different path.

More and more I see how so much is actually opposite to what we thought, what we’ve been led to believe.

We don’t heal these aspects of our sexuality by becoming harder, by trying to push it further down.

When we allow the flow something happens.


There’s no struggle.

So I’m more interested in exploring what’s in your sexuality, your sensuality, your body, your heart.

Then the healing happens.

And in this, such amazing possibilities.

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