Every time I enter a new relationship, I get cold feet.
It’s amazing how quickly I can go from “wow, I’m definitely marrying this person” to “oh, hell no”—every damn time.
In 2014, I met an incredible human who I immediately fell in love with. About two months later, I almost bailed. I was afraid of what I knew was coming—commitment.
I didn’t want to lose my “freedom,” so I tricked myself into believing he wasn’t the one for me. He talked me out of it and we stayed together for five more beautiful years. Eventually, we grew apart. It happens. Looking back, I know my cold feet wasn’t intuition; it was fear.
For me, the fear of letting go of my autonomy and potentially “settling down” was big. Discerning between fear and intuition—especially when the fear is strong—is no easy feat. (It’s f*cking hard.)
And unfortunately, I don’t have any mind-blowing, life-changing advice on how to get better at discernment, but what I can offer is the courage to trust time. Time will always tell.
After my ex and I broke up, I spent two transformative years happily single, exploring the bits of myself I never had a chance to meet while I was too immersed in the relationship. I got a certification in health and nutrition, I did my yoga teacher training, I dove head first into the spiritual community, and I started surrounding myself with some of the most badass, wild, and witchy women. I grew a lot in those two years.
Being away from my partner allowed me the space to reflect on our relationship and finally see how I was doing it all wrong. We were highly codependent and I continuously ridiculed him and projected my insecurities onto him. And for that, I’m deeply sorry. But that is why I left. I needed that space to learn what needed to be healed—desperately.
And then, I met someone new.
I came home from our first date and I told my housemate I was going to marry him. Oh, those exhilarating first dates always get me.
Like clockwork, two months in, I got cold feet. We were chatting about meeting each other’s families and fantasizing about all the trips we’d take when I came to a full stop. Oh, hell no.
Right then, I knew my single years were coming to an end and I couldn’t let go. Those single years brought me so much growth and I was afraid that growth would stagnate while in a relationship—because that was my previous experience. And so, I chose fear…for 10 days.
I don’t regret taking those 10 days away from each other because it opened my eyes to what I wanted and what I was ready for—him. Those 10 days gave me the space to reflect and check in with myself about what genuinely felt good in my body.
Everyone has their reasons for getting cold feet in a new relationship, and often, it is our intuition telling us something. But, maybe it’s just fear, and maybe we just need to give ourselves a little bit more time before we jump the gun and end a new relationship that might actually be incredibly nourishing for us.
Though I don’t regret taking those 10 days away, I can admit that I was wrong—so wrong. And so, before you think about ending your new relationship, maybe give it a bit more time…maybe give them a chance.
But remember, learning how to discern between fear and intuition will be absolutely crucial. (Please don’t get yourself in any precarious situations…like I once have.)
And most importantly, if you’re feeling cold feet, communicate your concerns. The way they respond will tell you so much.