September 23, 2022

The Thing that’s Missing from our Sex Life.

So many of us are looking for deeper pleasure, for fulfilment.

Some of us (many of us) think it’s in the techniques of sex, in learning more, and that’s important—since particularly we get little education about pleasure, our bodies, and our partners’ bodies.

A brief digression about this. There was a Tik Tok video around where someone stops random men and asks them to point to the clitoris on a diagram. Few of them did.

Learning is vital. And what’s really important is to put the learning into context. Without this, it’s simply technique. And technique on its own means we see everything the same. In sexuality, it means that every man, every woman, everybody is the same. And the expectation is that the same thing works for everyone, all the time, every day.

The context is that sex isn’t only about our genitals. It isn’t only about orgasm. In fact, when we’re looking for a deeper experience, one of the most important things is to get out of the goal of orgasm.

As we much as we might like the idea, that kind of sex is never “just sex.”

The real context is the fullness of who we are—body, heart, mind, spirit. And a vital element of this context is connection.

Conscious Connection.

Creating, nurturing, deepening connection.

Every year I write a piece on Women’s Pleasure. I write many pieces about this as so much of my work is with women. And connection is such an important part of this.

We know about the importance of foreplay, which is the lead-in, the lead-up, to sex. But before this, there needs to be connection. Connection is the space, the container for our pleasure. And the deeper the connection, the deeper pleasure there will be.

What’s interesting about this is that many men ask about how to have more sex. One of the key answers is connection.

The more connection, the more sex. The desire for pleasure, for sex, for touch, flows from connection. Naturally. It’s one of the ways connection expresses itself.

And connection is a constant.

It’s not something we switch on and then switch off again—like desire and arousal. When we feel connected, desire is always there. It might be like a fire that’s gone low, sleeping embers, and when we blow on it, the coals start to glow.

Connection is awareness and presence.

It’s engagement.

And it happens in so many ways: with words, with actions, with time, with touch, with sharing. Connection is an element of intimacy, and intimacy leads to deeper connection.

The natural flow of this is the expression of pleasure, of sensuality, which is the natural flow of desire. There’s something deeper in this. When we feel more connected to life, to nature, to our senses, to our creativity, our desire to express ourselves grows and flows.

And because so many of us feel disconnected in many ways—from ourselves, from our partners, from nature, from life—we lack desire.

It’s one of the ways we see how connected sex, life, and pleasure are. They’re not separate from each other as we often think. Sex is not a little box that we take out in specific circumstances and use then put away again. It’s always there.

In connection we are seen, heard, and acknowledged. The constancy of connection is the field of energy from which arousal rises. It’s the field of the heart connecting to the body. It’s the space where arousal arises from within, not waiting for something outside of us.

Connection is the energy.

Connection is the expansion.

Connection will allow us to feel more, in every way, to deepen the sensation, to deepen the fulfillment.

Connection is openness.

Connection is feeling.

Connection is presence.

Connection can happen in so many ways, with our eyes, looking into each other.

It can be a touch, a word, a breath.

It’s time, and it doesn’t have to be a long time.

I teach a lot of micro-practices of awareness, of pleasure, in my courses.

Connection can be a micro-practice.

A moment that’s you, that’s filled with you.

It keeps us open to each other. Open for pleasure, open to talk, open to touch, open to breath, open to share.

We cultivate connection, nurture connection, consciously. And each moment of connection with a lover is a moment of awareness within ourselves. As important as the idea of connection is, so are the practices.

One of our favourites, and something we find so powerful, revealing, connecting, is eye-gazing. Sit opposite your partner. Take a few breaths into your body, into your heart. Settle into your body. Drop into the moment. Look into each other’s eyes. Allow yourself to be seen, as well as to see. When your mind wanders, come back to your breath, to your gaze.

There is such intimacy in this, in the connection.

It’s presence.

Connected to ourselves, to each other.

To touch, to kiss, flows from the connection, naturally.


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