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November 27, 2022

Why Expectations Are Destroying Your Relationship

One of the main issues we help couples and individuals overcome to improve the quality and depth of their relationships is EXPECTATIONS. 

It may sound like a simple thing, but rest assured, expectations are destroying your relationships.

Expectations are conclusions about how life “should be”. 

They try to put the infinite expressions of life into a limited, judgemental box of personal perception. 

And even worse, they try to fit someone else into OUR little limited box of perception. 

To the person who is on the receiving end, it feels like:

I can’t do anything right 

There is something wrong with me 

My partner doesn’t appreciate what I do.

I feel like I’m not the right person for my partner.

My partner and I are not compatible.

Im wrong, bad, or broken. 

These beliefs start to trigger a deep sense of shame, embarrassment and insecurity that cause a downward spiral of consciousness until we start to wallow in a puddle of our own self pity. 

If you have ever tried wallowing in self pity, it’s not a very resourceful state. 

Its not a good state to communicate with your partner from and it’s not a good place to make change from. 

Expectations and criticism drive our partner into these states.

So if we want the relationship or the person to change for the better, then this is the absolute worst thing you can do to your partner. 

The other side effect of having expectations is you start to become judgemental, critical, and worst of all, you start to scold the other person as if you are the parent and they are an incompetent or unintelligent child. 

The truth beneath this lie is that people are different, and everyone has their level of awareness, intelligence and capability. 

No two people are the same, and no two people think the same. 

When you drop your expectations, you stop trying to make others like you, and you begin to appreciate their unique differences.

You realise that people see the world FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE, and not yours, so they live life FROM THEIR INTELLIGENCE, and what they do makes sense to them, even if it doesn’t make any sense to you. 

This creates a dynamic of acceptance, tolerance, and peace, which is a far cry from the dynamic of judgement, criticism and scolding that expectations produces.

Hopefully at this point you can start to see that scolding someone for not fitting into your expectations, just makes them more insecure, less in tune with their own wisdom, and less likely to function at their best. 

The very thing you are trying to bring out of someone by trying to correct and fix their behaviour (a better version of themselves), is the very thing that you will push further and further away. 

Hence your struggle… 

Unfortunately this is a toxic loop and common dynamic that shows up between couples. 

It also prevents people who are single from attracting a deeper depth of relationship because they get caught up on the surface level expectations and miss the deeper aspects of the people they meet. 

They attract people from their superficial judgements instead of their depth.

In either case, it’s safe to conclude that expectations have the potential to destroy relationships if they are not kept in check.

And most times this invisible, seemingly harmless habit is something that people don’t pay much attention to.

Here is a simple exercise that can help you shift into a more positive path with your partner or dating life.

Write down at the top of a piece of paper:

What expectations do I have that are ruining my relationships?

And simply write down whatever comes to mind until there is nothing left.

Revisit this exercise for 3 days in a row, and see what comes up.

I’m sure you will be surprised to discover what you expect from your partner in your relationships and how much stress it places on who they can be with you.

With love,

Kai & Gabriella

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