What If?

What If?

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In a world built of instant made moments, how do we communicate our feelings?

The good, the bad, the complicated ones… the whole bunch of them?

We try to listen to our intuition, but how do we identify it clearly in the midst of the loud noise around us?

When it comes to love relationships in particular, how do we know “what’s normal” these days? I don’t know about you but for me it’s been a crazy, overwhelming, roller coaster.

With everyone I met, I was naive enough to trust words… then I learned words are worthless unless supported by correlating actions… so when the actions eventually do match the words… how do you know?

Do you let it roll?

Do you stop it because you’ve had enough of the same?

Truth be told… you don’t really know until you know. And when you finally know… it’s too late because the mess has been done and that’s how you knew.

Or… if you do seem to get it right… do you hold on to “when will this go wrong” until it does go wrong?

I don’t think we have a choice but to see where it goes. And whether it goes right or wrong… when will be the timing to evaluate that?

For me, anything beyond 3 months is already a win. But I’ve had crappy experiences. In which I heard, and actually seen, the best of someone doing their all to get me. So they did. What was I supposed to do? Send them on their way? We are grown single women. Are we just prey on a hunt bound to serve a specific feast?

Is there any way we can protect ourselves in order to not live the disappointment again? Any way our fears don’t dictate our actions? Without sending them on their way?

I come to the ugly truth… I no longer know how to build healthy relationships. I no longer know the right pace.

Dating apps set a tone I don’t understand, making me an alien in the process.

I want to be out there but I also want to protect my heart, body and soul from going through whatever pain, uncertainty and disbelief again.

How do I reach that balance? How do I keep the right pace?

Ultimately, whatever feels right.

The thing is… whatever feels right isn’t necessarily right. Is there a “right” thing to beginning with?

Nothing can tell us… go ahead, it’s gonna work out the way you’ve envisioned it. Nothing.

We either decline or we go for it. If we go for it… crash boom bang?

Everyone knows when we’re infatuated with someone, we lose all thinking ability. Our minds react differently and I think even our bodies react differently. We become tiny in love idiots, rather than grown smart women.

High school like feelings.

We want to live and feel the butterflies in the stomach.

Of course we become willing to trade the short, sweet, intense adventure for the average boring daily routine!

But what if we don’t want the adventure anymore?

We want the best of both worlds! The safety net and the adventure!

We want to be sure it’s gonna be more than just an adventure.

We want to know ahead we’re finally getting our safe haven, our rock instead of playing the dismissed game.

This is where I need to bring back the focus to ourselves… our own grounding. And understanding we’re our own safe haven, and our own rock. I’m the only one who can ensure the fulfillment of Me.

It doesn’t mean we can’t wish for a complement, someone who adds to me rather than replacing me in my own needs and respective fulfillment.

Someone who understands you don’t really need them but you want them in your life to actually share a bunch of great things, experiences and feelings.

Someone who doesn’t come from a place of neediness but an independent human who creates something new, with you. Not for you, but with you.

We live, we learn.

Sometimes we fly, sometimes we fall.

And if we fall again, we always get back up.

Hurt, bruised, broken. Smelling of yet another failure.

But somehow we always pick up the pieces, we bathe to cleanse our deepest wounds, and bring the pieces back together.