{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}

 

We’ve all met a few folks with “narcissist tendencies” who have a knack for manipulation.

They crash our timelines and bend our reality for a bit. During the course of our association, we question ourselves and our perceptions. We want the friendship to last, but before long, we see how they operate to manipulate their social circles for their own gain.

Finally leaving a manipulator behind is one of our greatest challenges because it can take a long time to let go. We are attracted to the excitement of the friendship, and simply put, it’s human nature to want to “save” the connection. We would love to help them grow and change. We want to fix them so they become the people they should be in order for a quality relationship to thrive. But, by the time we “get out,” we often wish we hadn’t come in contact with them in the first place. These “friends” aren’t real friends.

When new exciting people enter our lives, what should we watch for? Skilled manipulators often have these four characteristics in common:

1. They are vivacious charmers. Manipulators can be super engaging and so much fun. They exude confidence, intelligence, and they know how to socialize. In fact, they charm the pants off everyone. They seem to know everyone, too, and they name drop easily, which, despite the many red flags that pop up during the course of the friendship, makes them quite interesting to be around.

As soon as we are duly captivated (it resembles love bombing), the facade starts to crumble. We begin to see a certain “phony” style emerge. They will act like they are our closest friend one moment and the next quickly turn on a dime. They begin making demands, and the friendly demeanor only appears when they want something. They don’t apologize and they grow defensive when they’re called out on their behavior. They use their friends. They create scenarios that place them in a better light. If a new person pours on the charm like it’s their job, beware! To see them clearly, we need to seek authenticity and watch how they treat and talk about others because they are probably talking about us the same way.

2. They are drama drummers. They like to incite problems when things seem a little ho-hum. They crave a bit of chaos and often the “problems” they create helps them make decisions. Here’s how it works for a manipulator: If they want to righteously pump themselves up, it’s much easier for a manipulator if there’s a showdown. They need to justify the “breakup” to others so they drum up drama to provoke a confrontation, which makes it easier to push someone out of the equation. They can then “play victim” to anyone who will listen. If you’ve been around a manipulator, this is something that repeats itself. Often, their fireball relationships don’t last long. Watch for patterns and think twice about sharing personal information.

3. They are story twisters. Manipulators use silence and lack of communication most of the time. They have in common a selective memory and long lists of alternative facts at the ready. They punch first (verbally) and then act like we have no legitimate right to be hurt by the punch. “You misinterpreted what I said,” is a phrase used often because it quickly shifts the blame. When we check around, it is quite easy to find others who experienced the “same story” when it comes to a shared denominator (said manipulator).

Manipulators like to manage their own narrative, and most times the actual facts do not coordinate with reality or the timeline. Sifting out what really happened from what the “story” becomes is required when we deal with these practiced spin doctors.

4. They are life re-creators. A manipulator can always reinvent herself. Things aren’t going so well socially or professionally? Suddenly she’s a new person—new hair, new job, new location, new friends! Manipulators “move on” quickly without fixing their relationships or amicably ending things. They do not try to work things out. They leave a wake of broken parts and zero closure, which is why their social history repeats itself.

There are varying degrees of manipulation, and most of us have either engaged in these practices from time to time or have been around a few folks who have successfully manipulated us into wondering what the f*ck happened.

How do we leave them behind? There are only two effective ways:

1. No contact. Simply cut them off and live our lives without them. No matter how “good” the friendship seems to be (or was), there will always be that telling moment when a manipulator reveals him or herself to us. It is never healthy to be around a manipulator because it chips away at our self-esteem and leaves us continually guessing about what’s next. Friendship should be smooth and seamless (most of the time), leaving little room for psychological bullsh*t.

2. Less contact. Create boundaries and keep them at a safe distance. Because manipulators can be on the milder side, it’s okay to recognize the behaviors and not want to spend much time with them yet still hold a more distant affection. This works with family members. When we don’t engage the manipulator, they can’t hurt us.

How do you deal with the manipulators who pop up in your life? One of the most difficult decisions we make as adults is who we let in to our personal space. There is no reason to share our lives with phony people who play emotional games because they are not wired for self-awareness or making the necessary changes to sustain their human connections. Manipulators are not our friends.

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