Of course I know I cannot speak for all women, but I speak for many women, who like me, have been on a journey of inner work and self-discovery.
You see, we’ve faced some immense obstacles that we’ve overcome. We’ve been there for everyone and spread ourselves so thin the exhaustion almost ate us alive.
Some of us have carried a belief that we simply were not enough.
We’ve been taught some of the harshest lessons and had to choose between allowing them to destroy us, or let them be the catalyst for change. And through all of it, we turned inward. We didn’t blame anyone. We didn’t project our sh*t all over others. We didn’t become bitter or resentful. We didn’t continue the same patterns.
Because we took the time we needed. The space and the solitude. We didn’t rush into new relationships or search for validation. We reflected. We allowed ourselves to feel it all. We sought therapy when we knew additional support was required. We reconnected to ourselves. We rediscovered who we are and what we want. We redefined ourselves and learnt that self-belief, self-love, and raw imperfection are our greatest gifts. We learnt from our experiences. We started healing. And we grew into better versions. Better women. Better mothers. Better friends. Better partners. Better humans.
So trust me when I say, we self-aware women know exactly what we want.
I have to say the sh*tshow of “alpha males” with a voice and a microphone out there are doing little to serve men and even less to serve women. Imagine the toxicity and arrogance it takes to actually believe you know what someone else wants and feels and repeatedly invalidate another person when they express their needs, wants, and feelings because you think you know better! It’s interesting those who like to call themselves an “alpha male” are often angry, insecure men with fragile egos. In my humble opinion, a real masculine man does not need to label himself; he’s just comfortable in his own skin.
So what do we want?
>> We want you to be authentic; we want real. We don’t want some version you’ve created that you think will impress us. Fake wears off real quick and is such an unattractive trait. Be yourself.
>> We want a courageous masculine man. And no, I don’t mean fighting off a lion or a bear. We want you to be courageous enough to show us your vulnerability. Your rawness. I for one am tired of all the “men shouldn’t show emotions” bullsh*t.
>> We don’t want a leader; we want a partner. We don’t need or want anyone making all the decisions for us. We are mature and independent, so we want equal partners.
>> Your income, job title, and car won’t dazzle us. We have our own income, jobs, and cars. Each bringing financial independence to the table is what we want. Material items do not define the quality of a person.
>> Doing the work, or having done some work on yourself. We’ve all got baggage, limiting beliefs and issues that require work, and it’s your responsibility to look at your healing and growth, at what your triggers are. We should all be aiming to be better versions of ourselves. Don’t project insecurities and all the other sh*t you’ve not addressed onto others.
>> Communication. Open and honest communication with the ability to talk about the good stuff and the hard stuff. Your goals, your purpose, your passions, and all your fears. What lights you up and what terrifies you. Talk to us not down at us.
>> Respect our independence. If we are building something together, we will want to enjoy a lot of time together, but we still both have lives outside of the relationship. Nurture all facets of our lives.
>> We don’t need the validation of being plastered all over social media. Our relationship is ours and whilst not against sharing some photos, we are secure within ourselves and our relationship to not need external validation.
>> Trust is the foundation. If we need to check each other’s phone and stalk each other’s likes and followers on social media, or worse track where we are, every minute of the day, we may as well end the relationship. If there are trust issues and insecurities, they need work.
>> We don’t need you; we want you. If we are with you, it’s because we want to be, not because we need to be. Insecure people may not understand that, and whilst we all have needs, we can meet our own needs without a romantic relationship—so if we are together, it’s because we choose to be together.
>> We don’t fear being alone, so we put a lot of value in being with the right person, but we are unafraid on calling you on your sh*t and walking away if things become unhealthy.
>> Be honest with us, if you have something to say, say it. Talk about it. Let’s have an open discussion. Get it out in the light, as nothing can heal and grow in the dark.
>> We know we have flaws and we know you have flaws;, all humans do. Don’t put us on a pedestal. Love us. Honour us. Value us. But call us on our sh*t. Keep it real.
>> Inner happiness. We want you to be as happy in yourself, as we are. You will add to our happiness and we will add to yours. But it’s not our job to be your happiness or fulfil you.
>> Take care of yourself and have pride in how you present yourself. Look after your physical and emotional health. The inner work is just as important as the outer work. We would rather be with a self-aware man who is willing to learn and grow than someone with a six-pack.
>> We want fun. Adventure. To laugh and let our inner child out to play. We want to feel free to be who we are, without inhibition. We don’t want judgement or a man who stifles our spirit. A man so focused on appearances that he’s living a facade, just to be portrayed a certain way.
>> We want intelligent conversation and plenty of banter. We lead interesting lives and love sharing opinions and ideas on all sorts of topics.
>> We are confident in ourselves and know what we want. Don’t dismiss what we are saying and think you know better. When we say we are happy, we are happy. If we are p*ssed off, you will know about it. There are too many men out there trying to tell women how they feel. It’s arrogant and a real turn off.
>> We are aware of what we enjoy in bed (besides sleep) and are comfortable sharing that with you. We understand the importance of giving and receiving pleasure. We will also give ourselves fully to you in a trusting and loving connection, but guess what? Sometimes we like to take the lead. Please don’t assume you know what we desire.
>> Be kind and compassionate. Not just to us but in life. Rudeness, arrogance, ignorance, self-righteousness, and closed-mindedness are all really ugly qualities.
>> Emotional maturity and understanding who you are. Understanding that an emotionally mature woman isn’t going to tolerate the ego bullsh*t, the projections, or emotional unavailability. We can see straight through it.
>> We want a man who is unafraid to encourage us to shine. To be proud of our achievements and not feel insecure about them. There’s something so attractive about a man who is secure enough in himself not to feel threatened by his partner’s success because he’s proud her light shines so bright.
An attractive man is a self-aware man. A man unafraid to let his guard down and take his mask off. He knows he has triggers and stuff to work on, and he’s willing to look inside himself. He doesn’t blame every woman because of past sh*tty experiences. We don’t want a stoic, emotionally detached man—who belittles other men for being vulnerable, who thinks he’s superior to women, who thinks it’s his job to take charge of his partner in all circumstances and hold some sort of power balance. This sort of sh*t may work for the short term or on those women yet to discover who they really are, but I can assure you, it’s not what most women want. And it doesn’t equate to long-term relationship happiness or success.
Of course there are women who need self-reflection and work, but as this article is from the female perspective, I’ll leave that analysis for another time. But for the self-aware woman, when we meet that equal partner, they receive the ultimate gift because we will give ourselves in the most spectacular of ways.
It’s taken me a long time and quite the journey to get here. Some men will find what I say intimidating, but those men won’t admit that; rather, they will tell me that this is not really what I want at all because they know better than I. Or that maybe I’m asking for too much at my age; after all, having someone is better than being alone, right? Or even that women like me are too “masculine” because we won’t tolerate less than what we want. Less than what we deserve.
I find it sad that independence and confidence in a woman can be so threatening to some men, and it’s usually those men proclaiming they are the “alpha.” The truth is these are the types of men we steer clear from or walk away from. These are the types of men who are surrounded by gusting red flags.
We aren’t going to accept the toxic masculine man with the fragile ego, and when they say, “Well you’ll be alone with 10 cats,” guess what? We don’t care, because we won’t settle. Being without a partner does not scare us. Why would we choose to be with someone who is not conducive to our happiness? Does not add value to our life? Why would anyone want that?
When she loves, she loves hard. But it needs to be balanced. It needs to be raw and genuine. It needs to be honest. She doesn’t want perfect, because she knows that perfect is an illusion, a lie, so she looks for perfect imperfection.
She knows flaws are beautiful, when there is the vulnerability to admit them and let them be seen. She looks for the truth of who you really are. She won’t be fooled by your words because if the words and actions don’t align, she will walk away. But most of all, it will be your energy; your energy will enter every space before you do, and it will tell her everything she needs to know. She will feel it in the core of her being, because she has learnt that the energy is the essence of who we are.
And the energy never ever lies.